Musings and Reflections

Shopping... Some Love It... Me?, NOT!

2009-05-17T15:24:00.004+08:00

Ahhh, shopping. Let me walk you through a typical shopping day for a regional Vegan. Often referred to as the Vegan march where you go from one side of the city to the other in search of Agave or some other impossible ingredient. Well add to that getting to the city.

Up at 5am to light the fire for hot water (yes, I know its 2009!)

One green monster smoothie in all its wonderful yumminess and then hit the shower and get ready. Which includes loading up the car with esky and of course the always forgotten recycle shopping bags.

Into the car, run back inside to grab a bottle of water, back to the car, run back inside to get a CD for the trip, back to the car – quick run to check the cow’s water – back to the car.

On the road at around 6:30- 7:00 (depending on the cow’s water!)

Cruise up the highway. Wave joyfully with one finger at the lovely man that insisted on sharing your small section of the highway as he finally passes you on a bend – there are so many of them, they must be in a support group or something. I know I only drive at 110k, but I was under the impression that's the maximum I am allowed to go. Silly me..

Arrive in the City at around 9:00am. Wave to the lovely man again as you meet at the lights. Wonder if he has read The Hare and the Tortoise. Think about winding the window down and suggesting it, but think better of it as he seems a little frazzled.

Ah, the traffic. And the traffic lights, those lovely lovely lights. Have they ever thought of playing mood music or maybe screening a movie as you wait, and wait, and wait?

Around 10ish, finally get to a shopping centre, park a hundred miles from the entrance and find a café that sells soya coffee. Sit and take a minute to work out a plan of attack.

Between 10 and 5 – go from shop to shop, slowly crossing things off your list, drive to another centre in the hope you will find ANYTHING on your list. Spend a good part of your life at the traffic lights again! Around lunchtime or somewhere between 12 and 3, try and find a vegan friendly café or anything will do. Settle for chips. Feel crap. Back to the dreaded shopping march. Give up on most of the items on your list.

Finally load everything in the car and hit the highway………. And then unload the car at night, when its dark… and cold… and ssooooooo tired..

Some news... I am moving.. To here www.veganminta.com. I still have a lot of setting up to do, but do pop in.

Caio!

Yummy Greenness..

2009-04-28T15:32:00.005+08:00

From the garden....

To the Kitchen.....

To my Lunch....

This yummy salad consisted of salad greens, kalamata olives, and steaming hot cashew/chickpea balls. Yummo! And I followed it up with some raw brownies.

mmm... delish!

A Very Heavy Footprint

2009-04-25T06:24:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the big long break, but I've been busy - more on that in another post. I've been catching up on reading everyone's blogs and this one is worth a big shout out. I've been on a bit of a mission since reading an article in the latest edition of Yoga Journal on being responsible for our own trash and this blog entry has really driven it home for me.

Oh She Glows

The photos were shocking and distressing. Angela has some great ideas for reducing our footprint on the planet and if I add some of the tips from the yoga article I should be able make a bit of a difference at least to my little corner of the world.

In the article by yogini Adi Carter, she writes that in order to be mindful of how much trash she generated, she challenged herself to carry with her all the trash she would normally throw away. She carried it in a shoulder bag.

So my list:

I'm already very water conscious - because of where we live, so I don't need many changes there.

Avoid single use paper products - this is going to be hard, because of my allergies. I find paper towels are really good for my really sore hands - but I'll find an alternative. Substitute hand towels for paper towels, hankies for tissues, cloth napkins for paper.
Try and buy bulk where possible, take own bags - reduce amount of purchases in plastic. This should be fairly easy as I make everything from scratch anyway. I just need to take my own bags to Pantry Man.
Take my own bags shopping. Refuse bags when offered. Take a big shopping bag or basket.
Buy clothes on Ebay or second hand shops. Not an easy one here. But I will persist.
Grow own vegies - doing that! Going to be doing that in a big way soon... hint hint..

Onwards and upwards! Together we will make our critters lives a little better.

Caio!

Quick Rant

2009-04-02T07:32:00.002+08:00

This is a really quick vent. Firstly, background - how did a vegan end up with cows? We live in the wheatbelt area of Western Australia, which is funny because people only have sheep, cows and grow oats - no wheat. But anyways, we only had sheep. My hubby worked on a local bio-dynamic broadacre farm, and I naively believed that because they were organic that they would care for their animals. But apparently not! Money is money, and these people like that very much.

Short story long - hubby came home quite distressed as this man's cows were starving, and he wouldn't let hubby feed them. As hay is expensive. Eventually we decided to buy a group of cows off him to save their lives. It was very distressing. He made us pay full price, but did give us vendor terms. ie, he deducted it from our wages. We were pretty broke for a long while!

We bought 5 cows, and they were literally starving. One of the girls couldn't even stand up. Their ribs were sticking out and their hips looked all bony and painful. One of our neighbours sold us hay at a reduced rate to help us out. And those gorgeous girls survived and were incredibly healthy when a neighbour took them off our hands with the promise they would never be killed.

And my love affair with cows began!

Anyway the vent - he is doing it again! He was reported to the RSPCA and we saw an improvement for a long time. But I drove past last night and his cows are all looking hungry and bony again!

Worry Gives a Small Thing a Big Shadow

2009-03-25T12:13:00.002+09:00

Hey,

I'm often asked about how I cope with so many allergies, and I guess its because I just adjust. I haven't yet found it impossible, just challenging sometimes. Mostly when I go out. To give a bit of an overview, I'm pretty much allergic to most foods, and various things in the environment. The main allergy is salicylates and amines. But also on the list is, dust, dust mite, bleach, pollens, grasses, wheat, petrochemicals, natural flavour enhancers, all food additives, pesticides, herbicides, alcohol and dairy products (but that doesn't concern me at all!). So this means my food choices are very limited - salicylates are found in just about all plants.

Salicylates are not only in food but also shampoos and conditioners, skin care products, makeup, perfumes, household cleaners etc etc.

So if you have found this blog because you are struggling with allergies, don't panic just yet - its challenging but your life isn't really over!

I was asked the other day by my local country pub what I can eat so that they can prepare me a meal occasionally. How sweet of them. I usually just order something and pick out what I can eat and my hubby eats what's left.

Hmmm - what do I eat... Well, here's a typical day -

Breakfast - Pear Smoothie, made with soy protein (yay, I'm not allergic to Soy - aint life grand!), soy milk, a pear, and a handful of oats. If my reactions are at a minimum, I'll add a bit of flaxseed. Did you know we cannot get Hemp Milk in Australia! Customs won't let it in! I so wish we could. Because I can't have almond milk, and I'd rather not have oat or rice milk because they are too high in carbs.

Lunch - Lentil soup made with sweet potato (the orange one - can't eat the white one), leeks (no onions), red lentils and garlic.

Dinner - Steamed veg (carrots, sweet potato, brussel sprouts, beans) and a chickpea or lentil patty. Sometimes tofu.

Snacks are usually fruit (pears or red delicious apples - these are the only real fruits that are low in salicylates) or an energy bar I make myself out of dried fruit and raw cashews (only nuts I can tolerate). On special occasions or when I'm out, I'll have a mineral water in a wine glass so that I can feel special.

Surprisingly I have a weight problem, but I think that could be because my diet is so limited and I don't exercise enough. I make all my food from scratch because I can't trust any packaged products. Even healthy vegan food can contain natural flavour enhancers.

Supplements I take - and I might add I am having some amazing success with these! I haven't had an emergency dash to hospital since I've been taking them - 5 months!

Vit C (3000mg) - yep a lot!
Vit B, B6 & B12
Magnesium
Zinc
Milk Thistle
Spirulina
Iron
SAMe
L-Carnitine
Potassium (sometimes, when I feel its low - feet swell up)

Now the toiletries - For soap, I use Melrose Castile Soap, I make my own shampoo and conditioners using Melrose rainwater shampoo and conditioner bases. I use an oil blend for moisturisers. Although I can tolerate Shiseido Benefience products - but these are expensive. For makeup I use Chanel although I hardly wear makeup at all these days. Only on special occasions because my face still can flare up even with the safe products.

For cleaning I just use very hot water and a cloth - and beg my hubby to please, please, please clean the bathroom for me! For washing my clothes I use Aware Sensitive from Planet Ark.

My house has no floor coverings, only painted boards and I vacuum and wash the floor with very hot water about three times a week.

I think I remembered everything. I hope this helps. I know when I first started on this journey, I so wished someone would just tell me what I could do, rather than what I couldn't!

Take care,

Caio!!

Yoga

2009-03-03T10:26:00.002+09:00

I'm not a good blogger. I love reading everyone else's. Theirs are much more interesting.

I've just joined a Yoga Challenge with Carrots and Cake to try and get re-motivated. Otherwise, not much more to talk about. I seem to living on steamed vegies, cashew cheese, and chickpea cutlets these days. Not very interesting.

I don't even paint these days. I need a serious kick up the butt.

Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs...

2009-01-17T14:32:00.002+09:00

The challenges continue...

After an unsuccessful visit to yet another "specialist", I have come to the conclusion that I'm on my own with this one. I am seriously allergic to pretty much everything and the list continues to grow. Conventional medicine can't offer me any help except an Epipen when things get nasty. Nice..

So I need to come up with a diet plan that is vegan (naturally), wheat-free, sugar-free, salicylate-free, clean (as in no preservatives, flavour enhancers, or food additives of any description - natural or otherwise). And clean up my immediate environment - no chemicals, toxins, allergens.

Not impossible, just a little challenging. I've been taking 13 different vitamin and mineral supplements and I'm starting to feel a little better - less time on the couch, so that's a massive big plus.

I can do this!!! Just a little research and lots of tenacity and I will have a normal life.

Onwards and upwards!

She Returns.. Healing Slowly.

2009-01-11T17:05:00.002+09:00

I've been away enjoying the coast and trying to heal. Nothing like the beach to do that. The allergies reached critical, prognosis was not good, so I high tailed it to the beach. Lots of yoga, clean sea air and clean food. I did heal, but since I've been back I'm declining rapidly.

I lost two precious cows over Christmas which was very sad. But they had much love while they lived. Molly was 16 years old and destined for sausages (as she was barren), before I rescued her. She was a beautiful Holstein Fresian and very affectionate. My other loss was young heifer, one of my Belties - she just got sicker and sicker, and sadly passed away. Her mother was grief sticken. It was a very sad time.

If I can't beat these allergies, we will need to consider moving to the coast. It will be so tough. I can't leave my cows - I don't trust anyone.

Oh well. I have been cooking today - no photos or recipes just yet, as I'm not sure how it will turn out. I am making a vegan pot roast, and chocolate silk pie with white chocolate cream. I'll see if it tastes okay before I post anything.

Caio!

Love the Moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries

2008-11-10T10:15:00.005+09:00

I painted all day yesterday. Nice.....

To complete the picture of the artist painting away in her studio, I made some mushroom and cashew pate adapted from Vegonomicon to make it low-sal. If I could drink alcohol a nice glass of red would have completed the picture. But a cup of tea in my sheep cup was pretty cool!

Check this out - my first food photo! (Okay, maybe need some more practice..)

Mushroom & Cashew Pate

1/2 cup chopped leeks
4 cups chopped mushrooms
1 tablespoon oil
1/3 cup raw cashews
1/4 cup verjuice (or white wine for those who can)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Saute leeks in oil for 2 minutes. Add mushrooms and cashews and saute for a further 2 -3 minutes. Add verjuice and spices. Cook through and blend.

I served mine with rye toast. I didn't have enough mushrooms so mine is more cashew and mushroom!

No Work = No Pay

2008-11-08T12:49:00.007+09:00

Cannot for the life of me find any white paint! And I've misplaced my drop sheet. Dammit. Not to be beaten, I'm pretty sure there is bound to be an almost old sheet somewhere that I may need to sacrifice - or, clean not-paint splashed floors are seriously overrated! I need to do a painting - now! I'm so inspired by some amazing artists and I'm just itching to paint. (actually I'm always itching these days). With my ill health I haven't been able to work, and as a consultant I'm paid when I work - so I have no money.... So, I need to do some paintings to sell. Kinda urgently. I made some chickpea sausage rolls yesterday.. They were yummy and really easy.

Chickpea Sausage Rolls

Chickpea cutlet mix from Vegonomicon
Reduced Fat Puff pastry sheets

Roll the mix into little sausages
Cut the pastry sheet into 4 squares
Put the sausages in the square and roll into a sausage roll
Seal with soy milk and brush the top with soy milk Bake in hot oven until brown and puffy.

Very yummy...

Here's a painting or two I prepared earlier....

Crossroads

2008-11-04T15:47:00.003+09:00

I'm really tired today - still only operating on 2 cylinders. Bad blogger...

I'm cooking but its really not that exciting yet. I stumbled across a blog from an artist - much more talented than I could ever hope to be, but still she has the right idea. I'm thinking I should join, although I'm a little late. Only a little though.

I need to do something.

So - here's my to do list.

Try and blog everyday.
Do something creative everyday.
Cook more and take photos of the completed product.
Finish my Post Grad Dip in Coaching

Bubs awake - so I'll get back to this later..

Caio!

Here's My Beautiful Ellie....

2008-10-24T13:47:00.004+08:00

One of my many darling girls. I love my Belted Galloways...

That's all. No interesting cooking yet. I'm still experimenting with my challenging limited food choices.

Caio! Just enjoy looking at her gorgeous face..

Arrgh! Allergies...

2008-10-23T08:55:00.002+08:00

I am experiencing one of my worst ever allergic episodes ever at the moment - completely swollen face, eyes, mouth and my face looks like I've have 3rd degree burns. One of my ever loving friends said "you look like a freak!!". Unfortunately it seems my concerns that having my gallbladder out will exacerbate my allergies is proving to be correct.

Anyways, I was reading through one of my favourite bloggers and Mandee suffers from similar allergies although not the same reactions. She seemed to have some success with Advanced Allergy Elimination Clinic. So I searched their website and yay they had a clinic in Perth (its so rare! Honestly Perth is sometime so remote!).

I went there yesterday and I am allergic to Iron & minerals (bit of a concern that one), sugar (doh!), grain & wheat, corn, caffeine & coffee, amines and salicylates (yep, knew that one!), artificial preservatives, colours and flavours, pollen, grasses/weeds, plants, plant phenolics, moulds, fungus, dust, dust mites, cockroaches. Interestingly, I kinda knew all of that anyway. I'm so in tune with how my body reacts to things after so many years of struggling with the extreme reactions I have. I was also allergic to eggs and dairy which is not a worry anyway.

Happily I'm not allergic to my lovely critters so I can continue to snuggle into their gorgeous fur!

I don't eat anything with artificial anything since I had a really severe reaction to additive 631 and ended up in hospital.

Yesterday they treated me for pollens and amines - so fingers crossed. I've made another appointment - heck, I might even camp on their steps.

Oops, I might get back to this post later - my allergies are grumping at me - so I'd best get back to my cocoon.

Never eat more than you can lift......

2008-10-15T13:59:00.003+08:00

I made a really yummy mini meal today - totally bad for me sal-wise - but my face is a mass of hives and lovely itchiness anyway, so what the heck!

What to call it - umm.... penne pasta with mushrooms, spinach, kalamata olives and white wine. That doesn't sound very exotic.

Anyways, recipe....

1/2 cup wholemeal penne pasta or fusili or your choice really
about 3 or 4 mushrooms sliced or chopped - again feel free to choose..
1 tbsp soy oil - again or olive or your favourite oil - I went with soy oil because unlike the rest of the ingredients, its sal-free
a bunch of spinach leaves
4 or 5 kalamata olives sliced
vegie stock
1/4 cup white wine.
small handful of raw cashews.

Cook the pasta in boiling water.

In a heavy based skillet, heat the oil and add the mushrooms and gently saute for a few minutes.
Add remaining ingredients and put the lid on and let it steam through for a few minutes while waiting for pasta to cook.

Toss it all together and enjoy.

Sorry no picture, but I will start taking photos soon.

Caio!!

Love has no boundaries; it is the greatest force on earth...

2008-10-01T06:36:00.004+08:00

Well, I'm now recovering from surgery - lost the battle to keep my gallbladder. So now the real journey begins.

I'm going to keep this blog to track my progress with eating well and staying sane and my attempt to avoid what seems to be the inevitable weight gain after the gallbladder is removed. It will also be interesting to see if my multiple allergies start to reduce as my surgeon hopes. He said he can't give a medical reason why this would happen, only that he has had patients in the past that have had at least one of their allergies disappear.

That would be awesome! If I could have a choice, could it please be the salicylates? Please, please?? It would be so nice to tuck into a really yummy crunchy salad with juicy tomatoes, and roasted pinenuts and wow, AVOCADOS, - hmmmmmmm I would love to be able to eat avocados. Anyway, I'm salivating now - so best keep sipping away at my hot lemon drink as I try to reduce the bloating.

I'll learn how to photograph my meals like my other favourite veggie bloggers do....

Caio

As you think, so you become. Think well, you will be well. Think ill, you will be ill. It's all your thoughts.

2008-09-21T20:59:00.004+08:00

Much to say, not much time.

I'll be back.................................

Don't deny the diagnosis; try to deny the verdict.

2008-09-03T14:02:00.002+08:00

Ok - I'm back. Wow two whole years have passed.

I'm now a vegan, still struggling with earning a dollar and finding time to paint, and look after my health. My b'ful puppy unfortunately was hit by a car.

This will be a very short post as I'm as always pressed for time.

I'll do better next time - promise.

Caio!

He who does good comes to the temple gate; He who loves reaches the shrine

2006-07-08T14:57:00.000+08:00

Lost June... Not sure what happened....

Let me think.. ahhh I remember now. I worked and worked and worked.!! Got screwed over by company, told them to stick it, they tried harder, told them once again to stick it, and then we eventually reached a compromise. They agreed to pay me what I wanted and to let me go when I want to. I'm not sure I made the right decision, I think I should have just left and moved on.

So, I start again next week, and I have to complete all my outstanding assignments by the end of this month. I've just returned from a rather wonderful break bushwalking and visiting wineries. Absolutely wonderful. I wish we'd stayed for longer. I was just starting to relax.

I'm considering starting my own consultancy. The more I'm dreading returning to work on Monday, the more convinced I am that its the right thing to do. I need to investigate all the pitfalls though. I imagine there will be many.

I should be doing my assignments now, or doing a few chores, all not really attractive. Hmmm, still missing the energy and spark of life right now. Maybe just a normal reaction when one returns from holidays.

Well, I should at least look at some sort of study plan for the rest of the month, or I will be peaking!!

Caio!

Soothes the Soul....

2006-05-31T10:54:00.000+08:00

Had a great session yesterday with my psych. Awesome! It was a very productive session, because through my studies I knew a lot of the stuff she was saying, so we didn't have to waste time clarifying or explaining stuff.

I'm a rescuer - comes from being a middle child, which I know cos I'm studying Adlerian at the moment and birth order. Middle children need to be the peacekeepers and take care of the younger siblings and the older ones. So, whenever I get upset over losing Mum, I keep it all in, because I'm too aware of how the other person is reacting, so I withdraw to protect them. I need to understand that people are more than capable of looking after themselves, and they don't always want or need me to look after them. Case in point, I ring work for time off, and spend a good 20 minutes helping my boss with a difficult decision he was having, instead of talking about why I needed time off. He's my boss, he needs to understand. So I managed to deflect his concern for me, so that I could help him and rescue him. I even did it with my therapist, when she asked me what I was studying, I quickly had to put her at ease so that she wouldn't feel threatened. I'm straight into protecting and rescuing. She didn't need me to do that, I was there for help not her.

I'm the same with my partner. I really need him right now, but I'm protecting him, because he is having so many problems with his mother and doesn't need anything else to add to his very full plate. But as she said, that way his mother is getting put before me, which is something that has always happened. Then we got onto my anger and resentment towards her and him. I am always trying to understand her behaviour, and feel really guilty for disliking her so much. But basically she is a manipulative evil obsessive person, and its okay for me to be really angry at her. And its very okay to have removed her from my life. She is a "toxic relationship" - another psychobabble term, sorry. I also feel guilty and a little angry that my partner always ends up putting her first, and that's okay for me to feel that too. We talked about his fear of intimacy, and she explained it that if I snuggle up to him, he withdraws, its because he feels he has to pay somehow, because everything in his childhood cost him something. His mother is also controlling his relationship with his father. Even though they divorced about 30 odd years ago, she still phones him and tells my partner to phone his father, and then phones his father to see what they talked about. She is controlling everything. And I'm angry because she has been controlling our whole lives. And I'm really really angry that she is alive and my beautiful incredible mother is not. We talked about how is it fair that mum died and she lives--like, "What was HE thinking!!??"

So I've deferred uni until next year. I now have the rest of the year to finish my assignments, and my partner and I are going to find some time so go away for a little break, to remove us from seeing "the bitch's house" everyday, and help us get some clarity on all the emotions we are feeling at the moment. She said many couples split at a time like this, and we need to really have time together away from the manipulative cow, and focus on our relationship. She said that my partner needs to consider counselling, because he has a right to a life on his terms and the evil one needs to remove herself from it. We do not need to have contact with her every single day, and we do not need to tell her everything that we do. She does not need to know!

My partner needs to decide what's important - our relationship or his relationship with her. And is his life more important to him!

Place your left hand over your navel...

2006-05-27T17:56:00.000+08:00

Bad day today. Got up early, did about 5 minutes workout, and then couldn't be bothered. Went into town to see Dad. He was having a bad day too. He is so sad. Its just killing me...

Its very hard.

Bugger....

Nuvver day

2006-05-27T07:00:00.000+08:00

Not much to say today. My jaw and teeth ache from clenching all the time. Need to relax. Should be able to do that if I ever get these assignments finished.

Foolish dreams - this study caper. Should learn one's limits.

If you don't know where you're going, it is easy not to know when you've arrived.

2006-05-24T11:47:00.000+08:00

Spent the day with Dad yesterday. He is still really struggling. Life is pretty damn cruel sometimes.

I expect my brother will call me soon looking for the money for the funeral. Bugger. We don't have it, and we're not going to have it until I can get back to work. And I'm certainly not ready yet. I'm only just starting to feel a little human this week.

I'm having a hell of time with trying to focus on my assignments. I'll have another go this afternoon. Its still so difficult to focus. It was so much easier before Mum died.

I received my other degree in the mail yesterday. Part of me wishes I had gone with the whole graduation ceremony. It was such an anticlimax just opening an envelope. All that hard work. And now I have the other one to finish - I wonder if it is all worth it.

************************************************************************
Just gonna have a little vent.. I was reading through some of the comments that the lecturer made on my assignment, and try as I might to be objective and look at it from her point of view, I have really taken offence at everything she has said. I am actually quite appalled that she is teaching! And at a university level! How on earth does she get away with it?

I read how as a teacher you should:

reduce the inherent threat and negative reactions associated with evaluation
keep comments as impersonal as possible and focus on behaviour
offer support and optimism wherever possible.

okay - so all that is missing! So I think I now know why I have been struggling. Because I was going fine before I received that last assignment back. So what to do. I need to get my confidence back.

Blessings...so many...

2006-05-18T21:09:00.000+08:00

I am soo lucky. I have the most amazing family that I absolutely adore. And so many gorgeous friends. I had a friend call me today and she was so wonderful. She said she had been thinking about me every day and wanted to do something, but didn't know what. She didn't just want to rock up with a casserole or something. So she said she'd just call to see if I was okay and to tell me to just ask her if I wanted anything, a coffee or go to a movie, or whatever. While I was on the phone to her all teary, my neighbour came over and gave me huge hugs, and stayed and made me a cup of tea. It was so lovely. I have another friend in different state and she calls me often just to tell me why she loves having me as a friend. And last night I was on the phone to yet another friend for two hours just chatting about life in general, and the previous night it was a different friend again. I am so blessed to have so many good friends.

Something I read once -- "If you want a friend, be a friend." Its something I've always tried to live by.. There are so many incredible people out there waiting to meet you...

Mum had lots of great friends. I must call them to see how they are.. Mum will be worried about them.

Debrief...

2006-05-17T17:42:00.000+08:00

Okay, was brave and finally went to see a grief counsellor.. I was getting sick of myself, and I needed to get on with living. This'll be a quick post cos I'm over it...

Okay her points:

don't hold back on the crying - just let it all out (tough one - been holding back on tears for a billion years!!! Not cool to cry!)
Go for long walks with my dog - (cool with that one - love my puppy!!)
get a photo of mum and look at it and reflect on my life with her - (ow, that's gonna hurt.)
take time off work, as much as I can - (partner seriously not happy about that one - don't work, don't get paid.... bugger.. gonna cause a bit of conflict, that one.)
only spend 20 minutes at a time on my study.. no more. -- (cool, can't spend anymore than that anyway, can't focus..)
forget about what I'm eating -- (worry about that later -- wow, that seriously lifted a weight off my shoulders.. feeling lighter already!)
talk to friends that have lost their mothers, cos losing a mother is different to other losses --(yep, have been doing that anyway, have two friends that lost their mothers in the last year or two).

okay - my feelings:

Partner not happy. He is worried about finances. So he was not too receptive when I told him I was taking time off work. I told him I didn't expect him to understand, and he agreed that he did not understand. Oh well, I've decided that unfortunately that is now his issue. We can work out how to pay the bills together if he wants, but I'm not going to be manipulated into returning to work too early. Been there, done that! Existentialism - born alone, die alone... or to quote someone else, "I died, and someone else's life flashed before my eyes!"

He is off on his week away by himself. Maybe he is missing me? maybe,maybe not..

Guard your inner spirit more than any treasure, for it is the source of life.

2006-05-15T14:44:00.000+08:00

I'm boring myself......

I might go and have a sleep........

Thoughts are killers.....

2006-05-14T10:31:00.000+08:00

Having seriously bad thoughts at the moment.. very confused. so I thought best write them down. That's what this is all about isn't it?

Last night I mentioned to my partner that I thought I was psychologically distressed, and I wanted to seek some counselling. Well, instead of the support that you'd expect from your life partner, I got "the look". That look that I have been subjected to for our entire relationship. The look that I have his evil mother to thank for. The look that makes you feel less of a person.

So, the thoughts - I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. I'm finding it hard to function normally, and I'm getting the 'snap out of it--this does not help me--you self indulgent cow' look. Helpful? Methinks not.

The workshops that I have been doing through my study have exposed a lot of emotions that have been suppressed for many many years. My fellow students have shown me more geniune care than I have ever experienced in such a long time. During the workshops I felt cared for and felt safe. They knew Mum had just died and they were mindful not to place me in any uncomfortable situations. When I was at work, the opposite happened. They wanted me to look after them, and to function better than I had before Mum passed away. They have not given my feelings one single thought. They truly do not give a toss. So at work I felt vulnerable and exposed.

At home my partner is only concerned about our financial difficulties. He only wants to make sure his own needs are met. His concern over the money is what he can't have. So I feel manipulated into applying for a well paid job that I know, and have made known to him, I will hate. It is the reason why I wanted to study, so that I could change disciplines. Like I really need a high stress crap job right now.

My bad thoughts.. Mum was really sad before she died, she was diagnosed with depression, but I wonder if it was just sadness. I was too busy studying and working to see her enough. Did she feel let down? Did she feel that when she needed us that we just let her down?... too busy.. too whatever. She did so much for us, always putting us before her own needs, and when she needed us, we didn't deliver. Was that why she was sad? They say when you are about to die, you realise how alone you are, even if you are surrounded by people. Maybe she was looking back on her life and realising how many sacrifices she had made, and how when it came down to it, was it worth it?

Now to me, my partner knows he has problems with intimacy and showing feelings, things we blame on his very poor upbringing. But does understanding the behaviour excuse it? We understand why his mother is narcissistic, and yet we do not excuse her behaviour. Now that I have had this huge emotional upheaval in my life, the lack of intimacy in my relationship and his selfishness now screams like a huge beacon. Case in point, this coming week, he is being sent to a seaside town for a training course for the whole week. Accommodation etc paid for by the company. You would think that he would take his emotionally fragile partner away with him as an opportunity for her to have a break, but no. He stated that he wanted to be alone, he needed time away from me. Ouch! Yet I'm expected to understand, because I always understand.....

So do I take my well paid crap job and move on? I love this guy to bits, but I'm starting to wonder. What would it be like to be with someone that actually cared? That made you feel safe and actually worth the effort. I don't know. My training and studies tell me that there are two sides to every story, so what is his? How does he feel? He tells me he doesn't feel anything.....

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I'm better now. Still thinking lots, but not so much about leaving. I just miss my Mum... I can't believe she isn't here, and today being Mother's Day was tough.

I just miss her.

So Tired..

2006-05-13T07:09:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired. So this is going to be a mega whinge blog. My apologies up front.

I'm tired of the mess-why do I always have to be the one to clean up. When I don't clean the house it becomes so disgusting its pathetic. It shows such a lack of respect to me. I could not do that to someone.

I'm tired of the allergies. Tired of feeling exhausted and itchy and headachy. Just so over it. Back to the house, I'm allergic to dust mite, so once again. Not just a messy house, a potentially dangerous one! Do I feel valued? hmmm NOT!

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to do assignments, but still having to be attentive, so "stop focusing on the assignment and talk to me? I need you to make a decision for me--again, and again...." And I have to maintain the upbeat loving responses, must not look or say anything that betrays annoyance, because he is so fragile--thanks to his evil psychotic self-absorbed bitch of a mother.

And because of her, he is hopeless at intimacy. Great, so when I so need him to actually demonstrate some sort of caring, he is so cold. I hate her! I'm actually glad she is feeling lonely - good! That's her penance! Maybe the reason she is living so long and my poor mother's life was cut so short is because she is living a hellish lonely existance as penance. Whereas my beautiful mother left early to go to a better place.

My brother sends me this email, stating bluntly that he is sending me a copy of the funeral invoice and we are splitting it four ways. Great for him with his two houses, business block and business, two new jeep Cherokees, large boat.... He probably has a couple of grand in his top drawer for buying chocolates or something. My youngest brother is trying to study like me, it will take us ages to find that sort of money.

Tired of work, tired of study, and tired of cleaning. I need a life. All I do is work and study. My studies contain lots about self care. Yeah, like when!?

Sorry - this blog was nasty.

messy messy messy

2006-05-12T13:16:00.000+08:00

Love Camille's Ta Douleur.. Just thought I'd mention that.

Can't find Dad. Hope he's okay. It's good that he is not at home moping, but I wish he'd answer his mobile. Then I wouldn't worry.

Gotta gotta do my assignments. no more procrastinating.. well, maybe a little bit more. I have seven to do! Count them, SEVEN!! aaaarhhhh.!

Can't focus. gotta focus... can't focus.. sooo gotta!

Dammit...

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okay - second post for today..

I was just reading someone else's blog, and I felt envy. How bad is that!? What was I envious of? They had a normal life. She was saying how she was tidying up, curling up on the couch to read a book, and finding time to exercise and go for a run. What? No study? No pressing work issues?! Bliss....

Naughty me. My life is good really. I'm just a little weary. I haven't had a proper break in about 8 years. One where you don't have to think about work or study for at least two weeks, or even a week would be good. Oh well, maybe next year.....

We Write the Script and Choose Our Destiny, the Universe Simply Provides the Materials and Fills in the Blank Spaces

2006-05-08T16:19:00.000+08:00

I've been away, sorry. Uni block--really hard confronting stuff.

I'm still extremely confused. I'm failing one unit and scraping through the others. Feeling financially challenged, which I wouldn't really care about myself, but I have another that it affects.

I don't know... worried about Dad, confused about choices, simply do not know what I should or want to be doing right now.

Total and complete brain fog.....

Stop Blaming Others for Your Shortcomings; It Serves Only to Delay the Solution of the Real Problem

2006-05-03T15:52:00.000+08:00

Hmm best get used to this font. Apparently its important!!! Damn uni.
Sucks big time.

Okay, so if no uni, then what?

Stay at work til end of June when it runs out anyway....
Accept really really crap job with really really crap company and be thankful for it.....
Do nothing....

Do nothing sounds real attractive right now.

Blah!

2006-05-02T10:08:00.000+08:00

Dunno what is wrong with me. I feel so flat. I never ever sleep in, always up between 5 and 6am. A big sleep in for me is 7am. But I haven't been interested in getting up anymore. I got up at 8:30 this morning, 9am the day before.... very bad.

Feeling so blah...................................

One Hundred Shades of White

2006-05-01T16:13:00.000+08:00

Spoke to my lecturer today. She was really good and has given me more time on my assignment. It's not that its a difficult assignment, I just can't get the damn thing started. She said its okay to just aim for a scrape through. Its silly to be striving for a high distinction when you've just gone through a life crisis. I'm okay with that. I'm not an overachiever. I think I have a bit of a realistic view on life.

Now they have all been so accommodating, I have to actually do the work. Now there's the challenge. I really do need to get back into exercise. Yep, tomorrow! Will do it, tomorrow.....

Maybe...

Dreams Born From the Heart Never Die, They Simply Lie Sleeping

2006-04-30T17:31:00.000+08:00

Missed a couple of posts, sorry.

Friday was okay - just filed and cleared up my desk. Just in case things change and I choose to move on. I had a crappy email from the lecturer in one of my units, that said basically do the work or defer. I also called a friend and she had just returned from backpacking around Tassie, and got to roll in the snow. She is one of my best friends and I miss her like crazy. It was wonderful to talk to her.

Saturday was pretty good considering. It was actually an excellent day, only I was suffering from a really bad headache which kinda put a damper on the day. Balingup was a great day out. I really enjoyed seeing everything, and caught up with some wonderful friends. It really helps put life back in perspective, when you realise how great they all are.
We had a meal in a great little gallery cafe which makes the best hot chocolate in the world!!! It was orgasmic!!

Today, Dad came over and stayed all day. We had a barbeque lunch and looked through all my painting gear. I gave him plenty of paints and mediums and lent him my brushes to get him started. He is so lost. All he can see ahead of him is loads of emptiness. Life can be pretty damn cruel some times.

Oh well, better get on.. Now that I have to just get on and study or defer!! Well, I'll just aim for a scrape through pass. If I fail, then I'll just repeat.

Caio!

Respect People's Differences

2006-04-27T18:40:00.000+08:00

A difficult start to the day. Some people at work were really moody, and I couldn't deal today. I know everyone is struggling with the lack of communication with the takeover and everything, but why take it out on each other.

Just a short note today, I'm so tired after only 3 hours sleep last night.

More maybe tomorrow.........

New Life

2006-04-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

I visited Dad today. He is so sad and lost. People have stopped visiting. Unfortunately this makes it so much tougher. He realises how alone he is. I guess people feel so uncomfortable with grieving people.

We talked about painting. I think he is inspired to start painting again. We searched through some of his old boxes for paint supplies and old drawings.

I couldn't face work today. Thats very bad, because if I don't work I don't get paid. Oh well--have to learn to live on boiled rice. :)

I'm struggling with study and assignments. I have one overdue, it was due last week, and I haven't started it yet. I might have another go this afternoon. If it gets too difficult I might just have to withdraw from that unit and pick it up again next semester. A bit of a pity because I have done so much work, but never mind, its not a big enough life issue to stress about.

I'm going to give myself another week, and then I'm getting back into exercise. I feel like crap, and its my own fault, because I've stopped exercising and I'm eating so much rubbish.

Anyway, study awaits.

Caio!

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Just had a call from my lecturer. So pleased. I only need to send emails to my lecturers and I can have extensions on my assignments, and I don't have to do some of the presentations, just hand in reports. So cool. Cos I'm just not concentrating, and its really adding to my stress at the moment.

I'm so pleased.

Caio again!

Trying is the First Step Towards Failure

2006-04-25T18:32:00.000+08:00

I'm a virgin blogger. This is my first time.

Okay, so here goes.

Lost my mum two weeks ago, so they tell me this is a good way to help with the healing process. Forgive me if this is clunky. I'm still learning. I'll get better I promise.

I'm finding that although people say please phone me if you need to talk, or let me know if I can do anything, blah blah. But when you start to say you are having a bad day, they don't know what to say and you can really sense thier discomfort. Its easier to not phone anyone.

So, I'll tell you! I had a bad day today. Couldn't stop crying. Felt crap really. Head is hurting, heart is hurting.

Mum was my best friend, my mum, everything that mums are supposed to be. I miss her like mad. Miss her sense of humour and just the fact that I could phone her whenever and I didn't need a reason.

Life goes on. People are still demanding my attention and I'm finding it hard sometimes to focus. Yet I don't want to wallow in it either. I just want to survive this.

Oops gotta go. One of those demanding people.....