Healing is an art.....It takes time; It takes practice, It takes love.......

What is my Body Love timeline..

The time in my life where I guess I was most comfortable with my body would have been when I was 14 years old.  I remember hanging out with my best friend and clothes were fun, never something to be feared or loathed.

I remember being so innocent and naive. My friend thought that if someone was raped, it meant the guy took her bra off. - We couldn't quite get our heads around what happened if they were raped several times.  Does he put the bra back on and then take it off again?

So, at 15 I lost that innocence, without consent.   What followed was a pregnancy and abortion and a couple of years in an abusive, controlling relationship.  I was forbidden to wear clothes that showed any curves or in any way could draw attention to me. 

I guess I became very body conscious then - I was terrified if anyone noticed me, it would draw his anger towards me.  I had obviously done something.

I met my husband at 18, three weeks after splitting with the monster.  He rescued me  and married me - my wonderful knight in shining armour.

Sadly, he struggles with giving compliments, showing affection and saying 'I love you".  So my struggles with my body did an 'about turn' - I needed him to notice me.  I thought if I could get my hip bones to show, he would think I was sexy.

After my first baby was born, I joined Weight Watchers - my card showed my that I was 53 kilos and my goal weight was 46kg.  I'm 164cm or 5'4" in old school. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia into my 20's.

Then I started working in my mid 20's as the primary income for the family in a male dominant industry. I still could not see how attractive I was.  I could only see frumpy. I struggled to be heard and taken seriously.  Meetings were torture.  I was ignored or teased or sent out to get coffee for everyone.

My studies confirmed my fears.  I remember my communications class, we discussed how only attractive people are taken seriously.  In recruitment, we talked about how important it was to look the part.

So the battle began.. 

I believe my struggles with my body image has been about 'being enough'.  I have never felt I was enough - in my relationships, or in my work.

And now, my war with my body is over, now we are on the same page.  I am nurturing this poor damaged body that is working so hard to keep me alive.  I am wrapping it in love and nourishment.  This year is my healing year.