Perhaps our eyes need to be washed out by tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again - Alex Tan

Forgiveness

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.  - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Letting go, that the past could be any different.   This is such a powerful statement.  My journey these few weeks has so tested me.  I always believed I was a fairly forgiving person - always quoting "everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have on hand at the time".  But things recently became very personal and wounds were re-opened and I did not respond in a loving,forgiving way.  I was judgmental and upset and generally very closed off.

The Forgiveness unit of the Body Love course came at the right time for me.  After much turmoil and self talk I managed to put into practice one of the tools we learned about in our course.  It did take me several days to work up the courage to ask for forgiveness and I was ready to take whatever reaction came from it.  I used the Hawaiian version - Thank you, I'm sorry, I love you, Please forgive me."  

The response was surprisingly gentle and loving.  Not what I had braced myself for.  I felt a tremendous lift and I definitely feel my healing journey is well on the way to better health for me.

Much Love

Me xx 

"Keeping baggage from the past will leave no room for happiness in the future." -- Wayne L. Misner

 "To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common -- this is my symphony." -- William Emery Channing

I love this quote. I have been a keen follower of the Zen habits and Marie Kondo for some time now. Unfortunately it has been a very slow process to remove the clutter from our lives. I wonder sometimes if we are naturally chaotic, or if we attract the chaos.  

It seems to be a constant work in progress. Our farm was full of way too much clutter.  It was rarely things we acquired for ourselves - it was stuff that ended up at ours.  When we sold up and moved to the coast we tried to only bring the things we wanted, but we suddenly ran out of time and had to bring it all with us.  Getting rid of the unwanted items sounds easy if you are in the US or a major city.  But we didn't have the population to find people that wanted our stuff, even when it was offered for free.

I don't necessarily have the attachment to things that my partner does.  But its his journey and I am supporting him.  We will get there when he is ready.  I have cleared out most of the things that don't spark joy for me, but I've been ready for this for a while.

My declutter journey is  my mind and my busy life.  That's a huge body of work for me.  Journalling, meditation and yoga are my tools for this particular massive job.  

🙏

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval -Mark Twain

It is my intention to:

• respect myself at all times
• show up for myself
• laugh out loud at least one today
• give myself the resources to be the best possible me
• be healthy and well
• speak kindly to myself
• be my best self

Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values - Dalai Lama

Let's talk about values.

I realise that a lot of the conflict I have invited into my life recently has been because my values are being challenged.  I'm always a little astonished when others don't seem to share them.  Funny how although we know we are all individuals, we forget that not everyone thinks like us.

Dr Sam (my absolute guru) is the owner and teacher at the Australian Institute of Holistic Medicine where I studied Nutritional Medicine.  He would advise that you surround yourself with like minded people, only read books and magazines that reflected your beliefs, and throw out your television.  He would say 'don't read, listen or be around anything that would create angst or stress or challenge your values.  He is a gentle buddhist and I so get now what he was saying.  Its all about putting yourself and your health first.  If you have a choice, then why put yourself through that stress?  I haven't had a television for nearly 10 years and haven't missed it.  It's easy to get caught up in drama that is nothing to do with you, raises your heart rate and blood pressure - for what?  You can't change, control or influence what has happened.  It's done.

My values are compassion, kindness, love, honesty, respect and authenticity.  These values have been challenged because a few people in my life have been going through their own battles and while going through their individual journeys, they are looking for people to blame, are being dishonest with themselves and with me. Looking at the values list, I'm guessing that maybe their value are success, status and determination.  I need to get out of their way!

I Choose to Make the Rest of My Life, The Best of My Life - Louise Hay

No Rain, No Flowers.....

I have just finished reading a fabulous book - (fiction) and it has left an impression. You know, when you can't stop thinking about it.  Bright Side by Kim Holden.  Just awesome. Go Epic!

I have an addiction to light romance novels.   They are my escape.

Anyway - let's talk about money and my relationship with it.

We are more like acquaintances.  Once a fortnight, Money pops in for a coffee and we chat and it hangs out for a bit.  We go out and grab some food, fix up the power and technology, make sure I have a roof over my head and can get around if I need to.  Then it vanishes.  Not sure where it goes, but it certainly doesn't like hanging out with me for too long.  We are definitely not close.  Sad really - I'd like it to stick around - but c'est la vie. 

My Business

At this stage, there is no business. I am still just thinking.... thinking.. Being open, see what pops in to say hi.

People

Yay, my peeps.  I am so fortunate to have some wonderful people that are supporting me on my journey.  I am aglow with pink light and warm gooeyness.  Hey I invent words.  I feel truly blessed.

Dr Sam, my absolute guru from previous studies, also advised that you should surround yourself with people that think like you and share your values and beliefs.  It has taken me a while to get here, but I have been sent the best people!  Peace and Light!  😍

Self

My relationship with me is an interesting one.  I no longer feel like the floating head.  My body reminds me of its existence every second.  I live with chronic pain and blistering skin daily.  I tend to think of my body as a fragile little bird that has been hit by a car and is barely holding on.  It needs a lot of tenderness and nourishment.  I no longer worry about how I look, or if anyone is looking at me or judging me.  Having a blistering, face or hands, or legs, is painful.  I don't really worry about my appearance.  Its been like a slow conditioning.  I used to fuss about hair, makeup etc.  But after over 30 years I don't give a rats.  😏

Ciao!

 

Healing is an art.....It takes time; It takes practice, It takes love.......

What is my Body Love timeline..

The time in my life where I guess I was most comfortable with my body would have been when I was 14 years old.  I remember hanging out with my best friend and clothes were fun, never something to be feared or loathed.

I remember being so innocent and naive. My friend thought that if someone was raped, it meant the guy took her bra off. - We couldn't quite get our heads around what happened if they were raped several times.  Does he put the bra back on and then take it off again?

So, at 15 I lost that innocence, without consent.   What followed was a pregnancy and abortion and a couple of years in an abusive, controlling relationship.  I was forbidden to wear clothes that showed any curves or in any way could draw attention to me. 

I guess I became very body conscious then - I was terrified if anyone noticed me, it would draw his anger towards me.  I had obviously done something.

I met my husband at 18, three weeks after splitting with the monster.  He rescued me  and married me - my wonderful knight in shining armour.

Sadly, he struggles with giving compliments, showing affection and saying 'I love you".  So my struggles with my body did an 'about turn' - I needed him to notice me.  I thought if I could get my hip bones to show, he would think I was sexy.

After my first baby was born, I joined Weight Watchers - my card showed my that I was 53 kilos and my goal weight was 46kg.  I'm 164cm or 5'4" in old school. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia into my 20's.

Then I started working in my mid 20's as the primary income for the family in a male dominant industry. I still could not see how attractive I was.  I could only see frumpy. I struggled to be heard and taken seriously.  Meetings were torture.  I was ignored or teased or sent out to get coffee for everyone.

My studies confirmed my fears.  I remember my communications class, we discussed how only attractive people are taken seriously.  In recruitment, we talked about how important it was to look the part.

So the battle began.. 

I believe my struggles with my body image has been about 'being enough'.  I have never felt I was enough - in my relationships, or in my work.

And now, my war with my body is over, now we are on the same page.  I am nurturing this poor damaged body that is working so hard to keep me alive.  I am wrapping it in love and nourishment.  This year is my healing year.

As soon as the healing takes place, go out and heal someone else.... -maya angelou.

Hey,

I'm restarting this blog after a drought of 10 years!  Wow - anyway, what's been happening in those 10 years is for another time. My reasoning for the restart is that I'm studying and I need a reflections home base. 

I'm very rusty at journal writing, but I'll give it my best shot!

How do I feel right now at the beginning of this body love journey?

Truthfully?  Beaten, tired, a little desperate. I would like to say pumped, excited, motivated.... But truthfully, my poor body is defeated.  I suffer from multiple auto-immune diseases, mostly rare and some still officially undiagnosed.  But a little part of me - a tiny glimmer of light is - this is the universe giving me an answer - some hope.

I sometimes feel angry and a little bewildered - like, how can a yogini, nutritionist, vegetarian buddhist be so unwell.  I do feel a victim sometimes - stupid I know.

How can I make this course a priority?

I am dedicating time for it depending on my health challenges.  I'm also reducing my work hours depending on my organisation accepting my request.

What will be easy about body love/body positivity?

What's easy I think will be the nurturing side of looking after my healing body.  The hard bit is the positivity - I believe that the body is an instrument not an ornament, at the moment - but its easy to get caught up in appearances.  Especially when you work in an industry where good health is measured on how you look.  ie, correct BMI, business suits, stiletto heels, perfect makeup and glossy perfectly tinted hair.  I am not always listened to or taken seriously.  I often think if I looked the part, people would pay attention.

What is my mission?

To live my best life and as, Maya says, as soon as the healing takes place go out and heal someone else.

The Pledge

I, janine, hereby pledge to stop dieting (for weightloss).

• I promise to stop counting every bite and obsessing over numbers.
• I promise to stop letting my scales tell me how beautiful, valuable or loved I am.
• I promise to stop buying miracle weightloss cures that don't work.
• I promise to stop giving my money to companies that rely on me feeling like my body is wrong.
• I promise to respect my body's hunger.
• I promise to that I will no longer use exercise as punishment for what I've eaten.
• I promise to stop taking part in self-deprecating diet talk.
• I promise to try my best to unlearn all the toxic lessons about my body that diet culture has taught me.
• I promise to stop dieting, and start living instead.  YESSAH!!!

Signed - Me.  😍

** I inserted Weightloss because I unfortunately need to be on special diets to manage my various conditions.

This is me..

Shopping... Some Love It... Me?, NOT!

Ahhh, shopping. Let me walk you through a typical shopping day for a regional Vegan. Often referred to as the Vegan march where you go from one side of the city to the other in search of Agave or some other impossible ingredient. Well add to that getting to the city.

Up at 5am to light the fire for hot water (yes, I know its 2009!)

One green monster smoothie in all its wonderful yumminess and then hit the shower and get ready. Which includes loading up the car with esky and of course the always forgotten recycle shopping bags.

Into the car, run back inside to grab a bottle of water, back to the car, run back inside to get a CD for the trip, back to the car – quick run to check the cow’s water – back to the car.

On the road at around 6:30- 7:00 (depending on the cow’s water!)

Cruise up the highway. Wave joyfully with one finger at the lovely man that insisted on sharing your small section of the highway as he finally passes you on a bend – there are so many of them, they must be in a support group or something. I know I only drive at 110k, but I was under the impression that's the maximum I am allowed to go. Silly me..

Arrive in the City at around 9:00am. Wave to the lovely man again as you meet at the lights. Wonder if he has read The Hare and the Tortoise. Think about winding the window down and suggesting it, but think better of it as he seems a little frazzled.

Ah, the traffic. And the traffic lights, those lovely lovely lights. Have they ever thought of playing mood music or maybe screening a movie as you wait, and wait, and wait?

Around 10ish, finally get to a shopping centre, park a hundred miles from the entrance and find a café that sells soya coffee. Sit and take a minute to work out a plan of attack.

Between 10 and 5 – go from shop to shop, slowly crossing things off your list, drive to another centre in the hope you will find ANYTHING on your list. Spend a good part of your life at the traffic lights again! Around lunchtime or somewhere between 12 and 3, try and find a vegan friendly café or anything will do. Settle for chips. Feel crap. Back to the dreaded shopping march. Give up on most of the items on your list.

Finally load everything in the car and hit the highway………. And then unload the car at night, when its dark… and cold… and ssooooooo tired..

Some news... I am moving.. To here www.veganminta.com. I still have a lot of setting up to do, but do pop in.

Caio!

Yummy Greenness..

From the garden....

To the Kitchen.....












To my Lunch....












This yummy salad consisted of salad greens, kalamata olives, and steaming hot cashew/chickpea balls. Yummo! And I followed it up with some raw brownies.


mmm... delish!

A Very Heavy Footprint

Sorry for the big long break, but I've been busy - more on that in another post. I've been catching up on reading everyone's blogs and this one is worth a big shout out. I've been on a bit of a mission since reading an article in the latest edition of Yoga Journal on being responsible for our own trash and this blog entry has really driven it home for me.

Oh She Glows

The photos were shocking and distressing. Angela has some great ideas for reducing our footprint on the planet and if I add some of the tips from the yoga article I should be able make a bit of a difference at least to my little corner of the world.

In the article by yogini Adi Carter, she writes that in order to be mindful of how much trash she generated, she challenged herself to carry with her all the trash she would normally throw away. She carried it in a shoulder bag.

So my list:

I'm already very water conscious - because of where we live, so I don't need many changes there.

• Avoid single use paper products - this is going to be hard, because of my allergies. I find paper towels are really good for my really sore hands - but I'll find an alternative. Substitute hand towels for paper towels, hankies for tissues, cloth napkins for paper.
• Try and buy bulk where possible, take own bags - reduce amount of purchases in plastic. This should be fairly easy as I make everything from scratch anyway. I just need to take my own bags to Pantry Man.
• Take my own bags shopping. Refuse bags when offered. Take a big shopping bag or basket.
• Buy clothes on Ebay or second hand shops. Not an easy one here. But I will persist.
• Grow own vegies - doing that! Going to be doing that in a big way soon... hint hint..
  

Onwards and upwards! Together we will make our critters lives a little better.

Caio!

Quick Rant

This is a really quick vent. Firstly, background - how did a vegan end up with cows? We live in the wheatbelt area of Western Australia, which is funny because people only have sheep, cows and grow oats - no wheat. But anyways, we only had sheep. My hubby worked on a local bio-dynamic broadacre farm, and I naively believed that because they were organic that they would care for their animals. But apparently not! Money is money, and these people like that very much.

Short story long - hubby came home quite distressed as this man's cows were starving, and he wouldn't let hubby feed them. As hay is expensive. Eventually we decided to buy a group of cows off him to save their lives. It was very distressing. He made us pay full price, but did give us vendor terms. ie, he deducted it from our wages. We were pretty broke for a long while!

We bought 5 cows, and they were literally starving. One of the girls couldn't even stand up. Their ribs were sticking out and their hips looked all bony and painful. One of our neighbours sold us hay at a reduced rate to help us out. And those gorgeous girls survived and were incredibly healthy when a neighbour took them off our hands with the promise they would never be killed.

And my love affair with cows began!

Anyway the vent - he is doing it again! He was reported to the RSPCA and we saw an improvement for a long time. But I drove past last night and his cows are all looking hungry and bony again!

Worry Gives a Small Thing a Big Shadow

Hey,

I'm often asked about how I cope with so many allergies, and I guess its because I just adjust. I haven't yet found it impossible, just challenging sometimes. Mostly when I go out. To give a bit of an overview, I'm pretty much allergic to most foods, and various things in the environment. The main allergy is salicylates and amines. But also on the list is, dust, dust mite, bleach, pollens, grasses, wheat, petrochemicals, natural flavour enhancers, all food additives, pesticides, herbicides, alcohol and dairy products (but that doesn't concern me at all!). So this means my food choices are very limited - salicylates are found in just about all plants.

Salicylates are not only in food but also shampoos and conditioners, skin care products, makeup, perfumes, household cleaners etc etc.

So if you have found this blog because you are struggling with allergies, don't panic just yet - its challenging but your life isn't really over!

I was asked the other day by my local country pub what I can eat so that they can prepare me a meal occasionally. How sweet of them. I usually just order something and pick out what I can eat and my hubby eats what's left.

Hmmm - what do I eat... Well, here's a typical day -

Breakfast - Pear Smoothie, made with soy protein (yay, I'm not allergic to Soy - aint life grand!), soy milk, a pear, and a handful of oats. If my reactions are at a minimum, I'll add a bit of flaxseed. Did you know we cannot get Hemp Milk in Australia! Customs won't let it in! I so wish we could. Because I can't have almond milk, and I'd rather not have oat or rice milk because they are too high in carbs.

Lunch - Lentil soup made with sweet potato (the orange one - can't eat the white one), leeks (no onions), red lentils and garlic.

Dinner - Steamed veg (carrots, sweet potato, brussel sprouts, beans) and a chickpea or lentil patty. Sometimes tofu.

Snacks are usually fruit (pears or red delicious apples - these are the only real fruits that are low in salicylates) or an energy bar I make myself out of dried fruit and raw cashews (only nuts I can tolerate). On special occasions or when I'm out, I'll have a mineral water in a wine glass so that I can feel special.

Surprisingly I have a weight problem, but I think that could be because my diet is so limited and I don't exercise enough. I make all my food from scratch because I can't trust any packaged products. Even healthy vegan food can contain natural flavour enhancers.

Supplements I take - and I might add I am having some amazing success with these! I haven't had an emergency dash to hospital since I've been taking them - 5 months!

Vit C (3000mg) - yep a lot!
Vit B, B6 & B12
Magnesium
Zinc
Milk Thistle
Spirulina
Iron
SAMe
L-Carnitine
Potassium (sometimes, when I feel its low - feet swell up)

Now the toiletries - For soap, I use Melrose Castile Soap, I make my own shampoo and conditioners using Melrose rainwater shampoo and conditioner bases. I use an oil blend for moisturisers. Although I can tolerate Shiseido Benefience products - but these are expensive. For makeup I use Chanel although I hardly wear makeup at all these days. Only on special occasions because my face still can flare up even with the safe products.

For cleaning I just use very hot water and a cloth - and beg my hubby to please, please, please clean the bathroom for me! For washing my clothes I use Aware Sensitive from Planet Ark.

My house has no floor coverings, only painted boards and I vacuum and wash the floor with very hot water about three times a week.

I think I remembered everything. I hope this helps. I know when I first started on this journey, I so wished someone would just tell me what I could do, rather than what I couldn't!

Take care,

Caio!!

Yoga

I'm not a good blogger. I love reading everyone else's. Theirs are much more interesting.

I've just joined a Yoga Challenge with Carrots and Cake to try and get re-motivated. Otherwise, not much more to talk about. I seem to living on steamed vegies, cashew cheese, and chickpea cutlets these days. Not very interesting.

I don't even paint these days. I need a serious kick up the butt.

Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs...

The challenges continue...

After an unsuccessful visit to yet another "specialist", I have come to the conclusion that I'm on my own with this one. I am seriously allergic to pretty much everything and the list continues to grow. Conventional medicine can't offer me any help except an Epipen when things get nasty. Nice..

So I need to come up with a diet plan that is vegan (naturally), wheat-free, sugar-free, salicylate-free, clean (as in no preservatives, flavour enhancers, or food additives of any description - natural or otherwise). And clean up my immediate environment - no chemicals, toxins, allergens.

Not impossible, just a little challenging. I've been taking 13 different vitamin and mineral supplements and I'm starting to feel a little better - less time on the couch, so that's a massive big plus.

I can do this!!! Just a little research and lots of tenacity and I will have a normal life.

Onwards and upwards!

She Returns.. Healing Slowly.

I've been away enjoying the coast and trying to heal. Nothing like the beach to do that. The allergies reached critical, prognosis was not good, so I high tailed it to the beach. Lots of yoga, clean sea air and clean food. I did heal, but since I've been back I'm declining rapidly.

I lost two precious cows over Christmas which was very sad. But they had much love while they lived. Molly was 16 years old and destined for sausages (as she was barren), before I rescued her. She was a beautiful Holstein Fresian and very affectionate. My other loss was young heifer, one of my Belties - she just got sicker and sicker, and sadly passed away. Her mother was grief sticken. It was a very sad time.

If I can't beat these allergies, we will need to consider moving to the coast. It will be so tough. I can't leave my cows - I don't trust anyone.

Oh well. I have been cooking today - no photos or recipes just yet, as I'm not sure how it will turn out. I am making a vegan pot roast, and chocolate silk pie with white chocolate cream. I'll see if it tastes okay before I post anything.

Caio!

Love the Moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries

I painted all day yesterday. Nice.....

To complete the picture of the artist painting away in her studio, I made some mushroom and cashew pate adapted from Vegonomicon to make it low-sal. If I could drink alcohol a nice glass of red would have completed the picture. But a cup of tea in my sheep cup was pretty cool!

Check this out - my first food photo! (Okay, maybe need some more practice..)



Mushroom & Cashew Pate

1/2 cup chopped leeks
4 cups chopped mushrooms
1 tablespoon oil
1/3 cup raw cashews
1/4 cup verjuice (or white wine for those who can)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Saute leeks in oil for 2 minutes. Add mushrooms and cashews and saute for a further 2 -3 minutes. Add verjuice and spices. Cook through and blend.

I served mine with rye toast. I didn't have enough mushrooms so mine is more cashew and mushroom!

No Work = No Pay

Cannot for the life of me find any white paint! And I've misplaced my drop sheet. Dammit. Not to be beaten, I'm pretty sure there is bound to be an almost old sheet somewhere that I may need to sacrifice - or, clean not-paint splashed floors are seriously overrated! I need to do a painting - now! I'm so inspired by some amazing artists and I'm just itching to paint. (actually I'm always itching these days). With my ill health I haven't been able to work, and as a consultant I'm paid when I work - so I have no money.... So, I need to do some paintings to sell. Kinda urgently. I made some chickpea sausage rolls yesterday.. They were yummy and really easy.


Chickpea Sausage Rolls

• Chickpea cutlet mix from Vegonomicon
  
• Reduced Fat Puff pastry sheets

• Roll the mix into little sausages
• Cut the pastry sheet into 4 squares
• Put the sausages in the square and roll into a sausage roll
• Seal with soy milk and brush the top with soy milk Bake in hot oven until brown and puffy.

Very yummy...

Here's a painting or two I prepared earlier....

Crossroads

I'm really tired today - still only operating on 2 cylinders. Bad blogger...

I'm cooking but its really not that exciting yet. I stumbled across a blog from an artist - much more talented than I could ever hope to be, but still she has the right idea. I'm thinking I should join, although I'm a little late. Only a little though.

I need to do something.

So - here's my to do list.

• Try and blog everyday.
• Do something creative everyday.
• Cook more and take photos of the completed product.
• Finish my Post Grad Dip in Coaching

Bubs awake - so I'll get back to this later..

Caio!

Here's My Beautiful Ellie....

One of my many darling girls. I love my Belted Galloways...

That's all. No interesting cooking yet. I'm still experimenting with my challenging limited food choices.

Caio! Just enjoy looking at her gorgeous face..

Arrgh! Allergies...

I am experiencing one of my worst ever allergic episodes ever at the moment - completely swollen face, eyes, mouth and my face looks like I've have 3rd degree burns. One of my ever loving friends said "you look like a freak!!". Unfortunately it seems my concerns that having my gallbladder out will exacerbate my allergies is proving to be correct.

Anyways, I was reading through one of my favourite bloggers and Mandee suffers from similar allergies although not the same reactions. She seemed to have some success with Advanced Allergy Elimination Clinic. So I searched their website and yay they had a clinic in Perth (its so rare! Honestly Perth is sometime so remote!).

I went there yesterday and I am allergic to Iron & minerals (bit of a concern that one), sugar (doh!), grain & wheat, corn, caffeine & coffee, amines and salicylates (yep, knew that one!), artificial preservatives, colours and flavours, pollen, grasses/weeds, plants, plant phenolics, moulds, fungus, dust, dust mites, cockroaches. Interestingly, I kinda knew all of that anyway. I'm so in tune with how my body reacts to things after so many years of struggling with the extreme reactions I have. I was also allergic to eggs and dairy which is not a worry anyway.

Happily I'm not allergic to my lovely critters so I can continue to snuggle into their gorgeous fur!

I don't eat anything with artificial anything since I had a really severe reaction to additive 631 and ended up in hospital.

Yesterday they treated me for pollens and amines - so fingers crossed. I've made another appointment - heck, I might even camp on their steps.

Oops, I might get back to this post later - my allergies are grumping at me - so I'd best get back to my cocoon.