I Choose to Make the Rest of My Life, The Best of My Life - Louise Hay

No Rain, No Flowers.....

I have just finished reading a fabulous book - (fiction) and it has left an impression. You know, when you can't stop thinking about it.  Bright Side by Kim Holden.  Just awesome. Go Epic!

I have an addiction to light romance novels.   They are my escape.

Anyway - let's talk about money and my relationship with it.

We are more like acquaintances.  Once a fortnight, Money pops in for a coffee and we chat and it hangs out for a bit.  We go out and grab some food, fix up the power and technology, make sure I have a roof over my head and can get around if I need to.  Then it vanishes.  Not sure where it goes, but it certainly doesn't like hanging out with me for too long.  We are definitely not close.  Sad really - I'd like it to stick around - but c'est la vie. 

My Business

At this stage, there is no business. I am still just thinking.... thinking.. Being open, see what pops in to say hi.

People

Yay, my peeps.  I am so fortunate to have some wonderful people that are supporting me on my journey.  I am aglow with pink light and warm gooeyness.  Hey I invent words.  I feel truly blessed.

Dr Sam, my absolute guru from previous studies, also advised that you should surround yourself with people that think like you and share your values and beliefs.  It has taken me a while to get here, but I have been sent the best people!  Peace and Light!  😍

Self

My relationship with me is an interesting one.  I no longer feel like the floating head.  My body reminds me of its existence every second.  I live with chronic pain and blistering skin daily.  I tend to think of my body as a fragile little bird that has been hit by a car and is barely holding on.  It needs a lot of tenderness and nourishment.  I no longer worry about how I look, or if anyone is looking at me or judging me.  Having a blistering, face or hands, or legs, is painful.  I don't really worry about my appearance.  Its been like a slow conditioning.  I used to fuss about hair, makeup etc.  But after over 30 years I don't give a rats.  😏

Ciao!

 

Healing is an art.....It takes time; It takes practice, It takes love.......

What is my Body Love timeline..

The time in my life where I guess I was most comfortable with my body would have been when I was 14 years old.  I remember hanging out with my best friend and clothes were fun, never something to be feared or loathed.

I remember being so innocent and naive. My friend thought that if someone was raped, it meant the guy took her bra off. - We couldn't quite get our heads around what happened if they were raped several times.  Does he put the bra back on and then take it off again?

So, at 15 I lost that innocence, without consent.   What followed was a pregnancy and abortion and a couple of years in an abusive, controlling relationship.  I was forbidden to wear clothes that showed any curves or in any way could draw attention to me. 

I guess I became very body conscious then - I was terrified if anyone noticed me, it would draw his anger towards me.  I had obviously done something.

I met my husband at 18, three weeks after splitting with the monster.  He rescued me  and married me - my wonderful knight in shining armour.

Sadly, he struggles with giving compliments, showing affection and saying 'I love you".  So my struggles with my body did an 'about turn' - I needed him to notice me.  I thought if I could get my hip bones to show, he would think I was sexy.

After my first baby was born, I joined Weight Watchers - my card showed my that I was 53 kilos and my goal weight was 46kg.  I'm 164cm or 5'4" in old school. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia into my 20's.

Then I started working in my mid 20's as the primary income for the family in a male dominant industry. I still could not see how attractive I was.  I could only see frumpy. I struggled to be heard and taken seriously.  Meetings were torture.  I was ignored or teased or sent out to get coffee for everyone.

My studies confirmed my fears.  I remember my communications class, we discussed how only attractive people are taken seriously.  In recruitment, we talked about how important it was to look the part.

So the battle began.. 

I believe my struggles with my body image has been about 'being enough'.  I have never felt I was enough - in my relationships, or in my work.

And now, my war with my body is over, now we are on the same page.  I am nurturing this poor damaged body that is working so hard to keep me alive.  I am wrapping it in love and nourishment.  This year is my healing year.

As soon as the healing takes place, go out and heal someone else.... -maya angelou.

Hey,

I'm restarting this blog after a drought of 10 years!  Wow - anyway, what's been happening in those 10 years is for another time. My reasoning for the restart is that I'm studying and I need a reflections home base. 

I'm very rusty at journal writing, but I'll give it my best shot!

How do I feel right now at the beginning of this body love journey?

Truthfully?  Beaten, tired, a little desperate. I would like to say pumped, excited, motivated.... But truthfully, my poor body is defeated.  I suffer from multiple auto-immune diseases, mostly rare and some still officially undiagnosed.  But a little part of me - a tiny glimmer of light is - this is the universe giving me an answer - some hope.

I sometimes feel angry and a little bewildered - like, how can a yogini, nutritionist, vegetarian buddhist be so unwell.  I do feel a victim sometimes - stupid I know.

How can I make this course a priority?

I am dedicating time for it depending on my health challenges.  I'm also reducing my work hours depending on my organisation accepting my request.

What will be easy about body love/body positivity?

What's easy I think will be the nurturing side of looking after my healing body.  The hard bit is the positivity - I believe that the body is an instrument not an ornament, at the moment - but its easy to get caught up in appearances.  Especially when you work in an industry where good health is measured on how you look.  ie, correct BMI, business suits, stiletto heels, perfect makeup and glossy perfectly tinted hair.  I am not always listened to or taken seriously.  I often think if I looked the part, people would pay attention.

What is my mission?

To live my best life and as, Maya says, as soon as the healing takes place go out and heal someone else.

The Pledge

I, janine, hereby pledge to stop dieting (for weightloss).

• I promise to stop counting every bite and obsessing over numbers.
• I promise to stop letting my scales tell me how beautiful, valuable or loved I am.
• I promise to stop buying miracle weightloss cures that don't work.
• I promise to stop giving my money to companies that rely on me feeling like my body is wrong.
• I promise to respect my body's hunger.
• I promise to that I will no longer use exercise as punishment for what I've eaten.
• I promise to stop taking part in self-deprecating diet talk.
• I promise to try my best to unlearn all the toxic lessons about my body that diet culture has taught me.
• I promise to stop dieting, and start living instead.  YESSAH!!!

Signed - Me.  😍

** I inserted Weightloss because I unfortunately need to be on special diets to manage my various conditions.

This is me..