Saturday, May 13, 2006

So Tired..

I'm so tired. So this is going to be a mega whinge blog. My apologies up front.

I'm tired of the mess-why do I always have to be the one to clean up. When I don't clean the house it becomes so disgusting its pathetic. It shows such a lack of respect to me. I could not do that to someone.

I'm tired of the allergies. Tired of feeling exhausted and itchy and headachy. Just so over it. Back to the house, I'm allergic to dust mite, so once again. Not just a messy house, a potentially dangerous one! Do I feel valued? hmmm NOT!

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to do assignments, but still having to be attentive, so "stop focusing on the assignment and talk to me? I need you to make a decision for me--again, and again...." And I have to maintain the upbeat loving responses, must not look or say anything that betrays annoyance, because he is so fragile--thanks to his evil psychotic self-absorbed bitch of a mother.

And because of her, he is hopeless at intimacy. Great, so when I so need him to actually demonstrate some sort of caring, he is so cold. I hate her! I'm actually glad she is feeling lonely - good! That's her penance! Maybe the reason she is living so long and my poor mother's life was cut so short is because she is living a hellish lonely existance as penance. Whereas my beautiful mother left early to go to a better place.

My brother sends me this email, stating bluntly that he is sending me a copy of the funeral invoice and we are splitting it four ways. Great for him with his two houses, business block and business, two new jeep Cherokees, large boat.... He probably has a couple of grand in his top drawer for buying chocolates or something. My youngest brother is trying to study like me, it will take us ages to find that sort of money.

Tired of work, tired of study, and tired of cleaning. I need a life. All I do is work and study. My studies contain lots about self care. Yeah, like when!?

Sorry - this blog was nasty.

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