Sunday, May 14, 2006

Thoughts are killers.....

Having seriously bad thoughts at the moment.. very confused. so I thought best write them down. That's what this is all about isn't it?

Last night I mentioned to my partner that I thought I was psychologically distressed, and I wanted to seek some counselling. Well, instead of the support that you'd expect from your life partner, I got "the look". That look that I have been subjected to for our entire relationship. The look that I have his evil mother to thank for. The look that makes you feel less of a person.

So, the thoughts - I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. I'm finding it hard to function normally, and I'm getting the 'snap out of it--this does not help me--you self indulgent cow' look. Helpful? Methinks not.

The workshops that I have been doing through my study have exposed a lot of emotions that have been suppressed for many many years. My fellow students have shown me more geniune care than I have ever experienced in such a long time. During the workshops I felt cared for and felt safe. They knew Mum had just died and they were mindful not to place me in any uncomfortable situations. When I was at work, the opposite happened. They wanted me to look after them, and to function better than I had before Mum passed away. They have not given my feelings one single thought. They truly do not give a toss. So at work I felt vulnerable and exposed.

At home my partner is only concerned about our financial difficulties. He only wants to make sure his own needs are met. His concern over the money is what he can't have. So I feel manipulated into applying for a well paid job that I know, and have made known to him, I will hate. It is the reason why I wanted to study, so that I could change disciplines. Like I really need a high stress crap job right now.

My bad thoughts.. Mum was really sad before she died, she was diagnosed with depression, but I wonder if it was just sadness. I was too busy studying and working to see her enough. Did she feel let down? Did she feel that when she needed us that we just let her down?... too busy.. too whatever. She did so much for us, always putting us before her own needs, and when she needed us, we didn't deliver. Was that why she was sad? They say when you are about to die, you realise how alone you are, even if you are surrounded by people. Maybe she was looking back on her life and realising how many sacrifices she had made, and how when it came down to it, was it worth it?

Now to me, my partner knows he has problems with intimacy and showing feelings, things we blame on his very poor upbringing. But does understanding the behaviour excuse it? We understand why his mother is narcissistic, and yet we do not excuse her behaviour. Now that I have had this huge emotional upheaval in my life, the lack of intimacy in my relationship and his selfishness now screams like a huge beacon. Case in point, this coming week, he is being sent to a seaside town for a training course for the whole week. Accommodation etc paid for by the company. You would think that he would take his emotionally fragile partner away with him as an opportunity for her to have a break, but no. He stated that he wanted to be alone, he needed time away from me. Ouch! Yet I'm expected to understand, because I always understand.....

So do I take my well paid crap job and move on? I love this guy to bits, but I'm starting to wonder. What would it be like to be with someone that actually cared? That made you feel safe and actually worth the effort. I don't know. My training and studies tell me that there are two sides to every story, so what is his? How does he feel? He tells me he doesn't feel anything.....


I'm better now. Still thinking lots, but not so much about leaving. I just miss my Mum... I can't believe she isn't here, and today being Mother's Day was tough.

I just miss her.

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