Had a great session yesterday with my psych. Awesome! It was a very productive session, because through my studies I knew a lot of the stuff she was saying, so we didn't have to waste time clarifying or explaining stuff.
I'm a rescuer - comes from being a middle child, which I know cos I'm studying Adlerian at the moment and birth order. Middle children need to be the peacekeepers and take care of the younger siblings and the older ones. So, whenever I get upset over losing Mum, I keep it all in, because I'm too aware of how the other person is reacting, so I withdraw to protect them. I need to understand that people are more than capable of looking after themselves, and they don't always want or need me to look after them. Case in point, I ring work for time off, and spend a good 20 minutes helping my boss with a difficult decision he was having, instead of talking about why I needed time off. He's my boss, he needs to understand. So I managed to deflect his concern for me, so that I could help him and rescue him. I even did it with my therapist, when she asked me what I was studying, I quickly had to put her at ease so that she wouldn't feel threatened. I'm straight into protecting and rescuing. She didn't need me to do that, I was there for help not her.
I'm the same with my partner. I really need him right now, but I'm protecting him, because he is having so many problems with his mother and doesn't need anything else to add to his very full plate. But as she said, that way his mother is getting put before me, which is something that has always happened. Then we got onto my anger and resentment towards her and him. I am always trying to understand her behaviour, and feel really guilty for disliking her so much. But basically she is a manipulative evil obsessive person, and its okay for me to be really angry at her. And its very okay to have removed her from my life. She is a "toxic relationship" - another psychobabble term, sorry. I also feel guilty and a little angry that my partner always ends up putting her first, and that's okay for me to feel that too. We talked about his fear of intimacy, and she explained it that if I snuggle up to him, he withdraws, its because he feels he has to pay somehow, because everything in his childhood cost him something. His mother is also controlling his relationship with his father. Even though they divorced about 30 odd years ago, she still phones him and tells my partner to phone his father, and then phones his father to see what they talked about. She is controlling everything. And I'm angry because she has been controlling our whole lives. And I'm really really angry that she is alive and my beautiful incredible mother is not. We talked about how is it fair that mum died and she lives--like, "What was HE thinking!!??"
So I've deferred uni until next year. I now have the rest of the year to finish my assignments, and my partner and I are going to find some time so go away for a little break, to remove us from seeing "the bitch's house" everyday, and help us get some clarity on all the emotions we are feeling at the moment. She said many couples split at a time like this, and we need to really have time together away from the manipulative cow, and focus on our relationship. She said that my partner needs to consider counselling, because he has a right to a life on his terms and the evil one needs to remove herself from it. We do not need to have contact with her every single day, and we do not need to tell her everything that we do. She does not need to know!
My partner needs to decide what's important - our relationship or his relationship with her. And is his life more important to him!