Soothes the Soul....

Had a great session yesterday with my psych. Awesome! It was a very productive session, because through my studies I knew a lot of the stuff she was saying, so we didn't have to waste time clarifying or explaining stuff.

I'm a rescuer - comes from being a middle child, which I know cos I'm studying Adlerian at the moment and birth order. Middle children need to be the peacekeepers and take care of the younger siblings and the older ones. So, whenever I get upset over losing Mum, I keep it all in, because I'm too aware of how the other person is reacting, so I withdraw to protect them. I need to understand that people are more than capable of looking after themselves, and they don't always want or need me to look after them. Case in point, I ring work for time off, and spend a good 20 minutes helping my boss with a difficult decision he was having, instead of talking about why I needed time off. He's my boss, he needs to understand. So I managed to deflect his concern for me, so that I could help him and rescue him. I even did it with my therapist, when she asked me what I was studying, I quickly had to put her at ease so that she wouldn't feel threatened. I'm straight into protecting and rescuing. She didn't need me to do that, I was there for help not her.

I'm the same with my partner. I really need him right now, but I'm protecting him, because he is having so many problems with his mother and doesn't need anything else to add to his very full plate. But as she said, that way his mother is getting put before me, which is something that has always happened. Then we got onto my anger and resentment towards her and him. I am always trying to understand her behaviour, and feel really guilty for disliking her so much. But basically she is a manipulative evil obsessive person, and its okay for me to be really angry at her. And its very okay to have removed her from my life. She is a "toxic relationship" - another psychobabble term, sorry. I also feel guilty and a little angry that my partner always ends up putting her first, and that's okay for me to feel that too. We talked about his fear of intimacy, and she explained it that if I snuggle up to him, he withdraws, its because he feels he has to pay somehow, because everything in his childhood cost him something. His mother is also controlling his relationship with his father. Even though they divorced about 30 odd years ago, she still phones him and tells my partner to phone his father, and then phones his father to see what they talked about. She is controlling everything. And I'm angry because she has been controlling our whole lives. And I'm really really angry that she is alive and my beautiful incredible mother is not. We talked about how is it fair that mum died and she lives--like, "What was HE thinking!!??"

So I've deferred uni until next year. I now have the rest of the year to finish my assignments, and my partner and I are going to find some time so go away for a little break, to remove us from seeing "the bitch's house" everyday, and help us get some clarity on all the emotions we are feeling at the moment. She said many couples split at a time like this, and we need to really have time together away from the manipulative cow, and focus on our relationship. She said that my partner needs to consider counselling, because he has a right to a life on his terms and the evil one needs to remove herself from it. We do not need to have contact with her every single day, and we do not need to tell her everything that we do. She does not need to know!

My partner needs to decide what's important - our relationship or his relationship with her. And is his life more important to him!

Place your left hand over your navel...

Bad day today. Got up early, did about 5 minutes workout, and then couldn't be bothered. Went into town to see Dad. He was having a bad day too. He is so sad. Its just killing me...

Its very hard.

Bugger....

Nuvver day

Not much to say today. My jaw and teeth ache from clenching all the time. Need to relax. Should be able to do that if I ever get these assignments finished.

Foolish dreams - this study caper. Should learn one's limits.

If you don't know where you're going, it is easy not to know when you've arrived.

Spent the day with Dad yesterday. He is still really struggling. Life is pretty damn cruel sometimes.

I expect my brother will call me soon looking for the money for the funeral. Bugger. We don't have it, and we're not going to have it until I can get back to work. And I'm certainly not ready yet. I'm only just starting to feel a little human this week.

I'm having a hell of time with trying to focus on my assignments. I'll have another go this afternoon. Its still so difficult to focus. It was so much easier before Mum died.

I received my other degree in the mail yesterday. Part of me wishes I had gone with the whole graduation ceremony. It was such an anticlimax just opening an envelope. All that hard work. And now I have the other one to finish - I wonder if it is all worth it.

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Just gonna have a little vent.. I was reading through some of the comments that the lecturer made on my assignment, and try as I might to be objective and look at it from her point of view, I have really taken offence at everything she has said. I am actually quite appalled that she is teaching! And at a university level! How on earth does she get away with it?

I read how as a teacher you should:

reduce the inherent threat and negative reactions associated with evaluation
keep comments as impersonal as possible and focus on behaviour
offer support and optimism wherever possible.

okay - so all that is missing! So I think I now know why I have been struggling. Because I was going fine before I received that last assignment back. So what to do. I need to get my confidence back.

Blessings...so many...

I am soo lucky. I have the most amazing family that I absolutely adore. And so many gorgeous friends. I had a friend call me today and she was so wonderful. She said she had been thinking about me every day and wanted to do something, but didn't know what. She didn't just want to rock up with a casserole or something. So she said she'd just call to see if I was okay and to tell me to just ask her if I wanted anything, a coffee or go to a movie, or whatever. While I was on the phone to her all teary, my neighbour came over and gave me huge hugs, and stayed and made me a cup of tea. It was so lovely. I have another friend in different state and she calls me often just to tell me why she loves having me as a friend. And last night I was on the phone to yet another friend for two hours just chatting about life in general, and the previous night it was a different friend again. I am so blessed to have so many good friends.

Something I read once -- "If you want a friend, be a friend." Its something I've always tried to live by.. There are so many incredible people out there waiting to meet you...

Mum had lots of great friends. I must call them to see how they are.. Mum will be worried about them.

Debrief...

Okay, was brave and finally went to see a grief counsellor.. I was getting sick of myself, and I needed to get on with living. This'll be a quick post cos I'm over it...

Okay her points:

• don't hold back on the crying - just let it all out (tough one - been holding back on tears for a billion years!!! Not cool to cry!)
• Go for long walks with my dog - (cool with that one - love my puppy!!)
• get a photo of mum and look at it and reflect on my life with her - (ow, that's gonna hurt.)
• take time off work, as much as I can - (partner seriously not happy about that one - don't work, don't get paid.... bugger.. gonna cause a bit of conflict, that one.)
• only spend 20 minutes at a time on my study.. no more. -- (cool, can't spend anymore than that anyway, can't focus..)
• forget about what I'm eating -- (worry about that later -- wow, that seriously lifted a weight off my shoulders.. feeling lighter already!)
  
• talk to friends that have lost their mothers, cos losing a mother is different to other losses --(yep, have been doing that anyway, have two friends that lost their mothers in the last year or two).

okay - my feelings:

Partner not happy. He is worried about finances. So he was not too receptive when I told him I was taking time off work. I told him I didn't expect him to understand, and he agreed that he did not understand. Oh well, I've decided that unfortunately that is now his issue. We can work out how to pay the bills together if he wants, but I'm not going to be manipulated into returning to work too early. Been there, done that! Existentialism - born alone, die alone... or to quote someone else, "I died, and someone else's life flashed before my eyes!"

He is off on his week away by himself. Maybe he is missing me? maybe,maybe not..

Guard your inner spirit more than any treasure, for it is the source of life.

I'm boring myself......



I might go and have a sleep........

Thoughts are killers.....

Having seriously bad thoughts at the moment.. very confused. so I thought best write them down. That's what this is all about isn't it?

Last night I mentioned to my partner that I thought I was psychologically distressed, and I wanted to seek some counselling. Well, instead of the support that you'd expect from your life partner, I got "the look". That look that I have been subjected to for our entire relationship. The look that I have his evil mother to thank for. The look that makes you feel less of a person.

So, the thoughts - I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. I'm finding it hard to function normally, and I'm getting the 'snap out of it--this does not help me--you self indulgent cow' look. Helpful? Methinks not.

The workshops that I have been doing through my study have exposed a lot of emotions that have been suppressed for many many years. My fellow students have shown me more geniune care than I have ever experienced in such a long time. During the workshops I felt cared for and felt safe. They knew Mum had just died and they were mindful not to place me in any uncomfortable situations. When I was at work, the opposite happened. They wanted me to look after them, and to function better than I had before Mum passed away. They have not given my feelings one single thought. They truly do not give a toss. So at work I felt vulnerable and exposed.

At home my partner is only concerned about our financial difficulties. He only wants to make sure his own needs are met. His concern over the money is what he can't have. So I feel manipulated into applying for a well paid job that I know, and have made known to him, I will hate. It is the reason why I wanted to study, so that I could change disciplines. Like I really need a high stress crap job right now.

My bad thoughts.. Mum was really sad before she died, she was diagnosed with depression, but I wonder if it was just sadness. I was too busy studying and working to see her enough. Did she feel let down? Did she feel that when she needed us that we just let her down?... too busy.. too whatever. She did so much for us, always putting us before her own needs, and when she needed us, we didn't deliver. Was that why she was sad? They say when you are about to die, you realise how alone you are, even if you are surrounded by people. Maybe she was looking back on her life and realising how many sacrifices she had made, and how when it came down to it, was it worth it?

Now to me, my partner knows he has problems with intimacy and showing feelings, things we blame on his very poor upbringing. But does understanding the behaviour excuse it? We understand why his mother is narcissistic, and yet we do not excuse her behaviour. Now that I have had this huge emotional upheaval in my life, the lack of intimacy in my relationship and his selfishness now screams like a huge beacon. Case in point, this coming week, he is being sent to a seaside town for a training course for the whole week. Accommodation etc paid for by the company. You would think that he would take his emotionally fragile partner away with him as an opportunity for her to have a break, but no. He stated that he wanted to be alone, he needed time away from me. Ouch! Yet I'm expected to understand, because I always understand.....

So do I take my well paid crap job and move on? I love this guy to bits, but I'm starting to wonder. What would it be like to be with someone that actually cared? That made you feel safe and actually worth the effort. I don't know. My training and studies tell me that there are two sides to every story, so what is his? How does he feel? He tells me he doesn't feel anything.....

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I'm better now. Still thinking lots, but not so much about leaving. I just miss my Mum... I can't believe she isn't here, and today being Mother's Day was tough.

I just miss her.

So Tired..

I'm so tired. So this is going to be a mega whinge blog. My apologies up front.

I'm tired of the mess-why do I always have to be the one to clean up. When I don't clean the house it becomes so disgusting its pathetic. It shows such a lack of respect to me. I could not do that to someone.

I'm tired of the allergies. Tired of feeling exhausted and itchy and headachy. Just so over it. Back to the house, I'm allergic to dust mite, so once again. Not just a messy house, a potentially dangerous one! Do I feel valued? hmmm NOT!

I'm just tired. Tired of trying to do assignments, but still having to be attentive, so "stop focusing on the assignment and talk to me? I need you to make a decision for me--again, and again...." And I have to maintain the upbeat loving responses, must not look or say anything that betrays annoyance, because he is so fragile--thanks to his evil psychotic self-absorbed bitch of a mother.

And because of her, he is hopeless at intimacy. Great, so when I so need him to actually demonstrate some sort of caring, he is so cold. I hate her! I'm actually glad she is feeling lonely - good! That's her penance! Maybe the reason she is living so long and my poor mother's life was cut so short is because she is living a hellish lonely existance as penance. Whereas my beautiful mother left early to go to a better place.

My brother sends me this email, stating bluntly that he is sending me a copy of the funeral invoice and we are splitting it four ways. Great for him with his two houses, business block and business, two new jeep Cherokees, large boat.... He probably has a couple of grand in his top drawer for buying chocolates or something. My youngest brother is trying to study like me, it will take us ages to find that sort of money.

Tired of work, tired of study, and tired of cleaning. I need a life. All I do is work and study. My studies contain lots about self care. Yeah, like when!?

Sorry - this blog was nasty.

messy messy messy

Love Camille's Ta Douleur.. Just thought I'd mention that.

Can't find Dad. Hope he's okay. It's good that he is not at home moping, but I wish he'd answer his mobile. Then I wouldn't worry.

Gotta gotta do my assignments. no more procrastinating.. well, maybe a little bit more. I have seven to do! Count them, SEVEN!! aaaarhhhh.!

Can't focus. gotta focus... can't focus.. sooo gotta!

Dammit...

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okay - second post for today..

I was just reading someone else's blog, and I felt envy. How bad is that!? What was I envious of? They had a normal life. She was saying how she was tidying up, curling up on the couch to read a book, and finding time to exercise and go for a run. What? No study? No pressing work issues?! Bliss....

Naughty me. My life is good really. I'm just a little weary. I haven't had a proper break in about 8 years. One where you don't have to think about work or study for at least two weeks, or even a week would be good. Oh well, maybe next year.....

We Write the Script and Choose Our Destiny, the Universe Simply Provides the Materials and Fills in the Blank Spaces

I've been away, sorry. Uni block--really hard confronting stuff.

I'm still extremely confused. I'm failing one unit and scraping through the others. Feeling financially challenged, which I wouldn't really care about myself, but I have another that it affects.

I don't know... worried about Dad, confused about choices, simply do not know what I should or want to be doing right now.

Total and complete brain fog.....

Stop Blaming Others for Your Shortcomings; It Serves Only to Delay the Solution of the Real Problem

Hmm best get used to this font. Apparently its important!!! Damn uni.
Sucks big time.

Okay, so if no uni, then what?

Stay at work til end of June when it runs out anyway....
Accept really really crap job with really really crap company and be thankful for it.....
Do nothing....

Do nothing sounds real attractive right now.

Blah!

Dunno what is wrong with me. I feel so flat. I never ever sleep in, always up between 5 and 6am. A big sleep in for me is 7am. But I haven't been interested in getting up anymore. I got up at 8:30 this morning, 9am the day before.... very bad.

Feeling so blah...................................

One Hundred Shades of White

Spoke to my lecturer today. She was really good and has given me more time on my assignment. It's not that its a difficult assignment, I just can't get the damn thing started. She said its okay to just aim for a scrape through. Its silly to be striving for a high distinction when you've just gone through a life crisis. I'm okay with that. I'm not an overachiever. I think I have a bit of a realistic view on life.

Now they have all been so accommodating, I have to actually do the work. Now there's the challenge. I really do need to get back into exercise. Yep, tomorrow! Will do it, tomorrow.....

Maybe...