Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs...

The challenges continue...

After an unsuccessful visit to yet another "specialist", I have come to the conclusion that I'm on my own with this one. I am seriously allergic to pretty much everything and the list continues to grow. Conventional medicine can't offer me any help except an Epipen when things get nasty. Nice..

So I need to come up with a diet plan that is vegan (naturally), wheat-free, sugar-free, salicylate-free, clean (as in no preservatives, flavour enhancers, or food additives of any description - natural or otherwise). And clean up my immediate environment - no chemicals, toxins, allergens.

Not impossible, just a little challenging. I've been taking 13 different vitamin and mineral supplements and I'm starting to feel a little better - less time on the couch, so that's a massive big plus.

I can do this!!! Just a little research and lots of tenacity and I will have a normal life.

Onwards and upwards!

She Returns.. Healing Slowly.

I've been away enjoying the coast and trying to heal. Nothing like the beach to do that. The allergies reached critical, prognosis was not good, so I high tailed it to the beach. Lots of yoga, clean sea air and clean food. I did heal, but since I've been back I'm declining rapidly.

I lost two precious cows over Christmas which was very sad. But they had much love while they lived. Molly was 16 years old and destined for sausages (as she was barren), before I rescued her. She was a beautiful Holstein Fresian and very affectionate. My other loss was young heifer, one of my Belties - she just got sicker and sicker, and sadly passed away. Her mother was grief sticken. It was a very sad time.

If I can't beat these allergies, we will need to consider moving to the coast. It will be so tough. I can't leave my cows - I don't trust anyone.

Oh well. I have been cooking today - no photos or recipes just yet, as I'm not sure how it will turn out. I am making a vegan pot roast, and chocolate silk pie with white chocolate cream. I'll see if it tastes okay before I post anything.

Caio!

Love the Moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries

I painted all day yesterday. Nice.....

To complete the picture of the artist painting away in her studio, I made some mushroom and cashew pate adapted from Vegonomicon to make it low-sal. If I could drink alcohol a nice glass of red would have completed the picture. But a cup of tea in my sheep cup was pretty cool!

Check this out - my first food photo! (Okay, maybe need some more practice..)



Mushroom & Cashew Pate

1/2 cup chopped leeks
4 cups chopped mushrooms
1 tablespoon oil
1/3 cup raw cashews
1/4 cup verjuice (or white wine for those who can)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Saute leeks in oil for 2 minutes. Add mushrooms and cashews and saute for a further 2 -3 minutes. Add verjuice and spices. Cook through and blend.

I served mine with rye toast. I didn't have enough mushrooms so mine is more cashew and mushroom!

No Work = No Pay

Cannot for the life of me find any white paint! And I've misplaced my drop sheet. Dammit. Not to be beaten, I'm pretty sure there is bound to be an almost old sheet somewhere that I may need to sacrifice - or, clean not-paint splashed floors are seriously overrated! I need to do a painting - now! I'm so inspired by some amazing artists and I'm just itching to paint. (actually I'm always itching these days). With my ill health I haven't been able to work, and as a consultant I'm paid when I work - so I have no money.... So, I need to do some paintings to sell. Kinda urgently. I made some chickpea sausage rolls yesterday.. They were yummy and really easy.


Chickpea Sausage Rolls

• Chickpea cutlet mix from Vegonomicon
  
• Reduced Fat Puff pastry sheets

• Roll the mix into little sausages
• Cut the pastry sheet into 4 squares
• Put the sausages in the square and roll into a sausage roll
• Seal with soy milk and brush the top with soy milk Bake in hot oven until brown and puffy.

Very yummy...

Here's a painting or two I prepared earlier....

Crossroads

I'm really tired today - still only operating on 2 cylinders. Bad blogger...

I'm cooking but its really not that exciting yet. I stumbled across a blog from an artist - much more talented than I could ever hope to be, but still she has the right idea. I'm thinking I should join, although I'm a little late. Only a little though.

I need to do something.

So - here's my to do list.

• Try and blog everyday.
• Do something creative everyday.
• Cook more and take photos of the completed product.
• Finish my Post Grad Dip in Coaching

Bubs awake - so I'll get back to this later..

Caio!

Here's My Beautiful Ellie....

One of my many darling girls. I love my Belted Galloways...

That's all. No interesting cooking yet. I'm still experimenting with my challenging limited food choices.

Caio! Just enjoy looking at her gorgeous face..

Arrgh! Allergies...

I am experiencing one of my worst ever allergic episodes ever at the moment - completely swollen face, eyes, mouth and my face looks like I've have 3rd degree burns. One of my ever loving friends said "you look like a freak!!". Unfortunately it seems my concerns that having my gallbladder out will exacerbate my allergies is proving to be correct.

Anyways, I was reading through one of my favourite bloggers and Mandee suffers from similar allergies although not the same reactions. She seemed to have some success with Advanced Allergy Elimination Clinic. So I searched their website and yay they had a clinic in Perth (its so rare! Honestly Perth is sometime so remote!).

I went there yesterday and I am allergic to Iron & minerals (bit of a concern that one), sugar (doh!), grain & wheat, corn, caffeine & coffee, amines and salicylates (yep, knew that one!), artificial preservatives, colours and flavours, pollen, grasses/weeds, plants, plant phenolics, moulds, fungus, dust, dust mites, cockroaches. Interestingly, I kinda knew all of that anyway. I'm so in tune with how my body reacts to things after so many years of struggling with the extreme reactions I have. I was also allergic to eggs and dairy which is not a worry anyway.

Happily I'm not allergic to my lovely critters so I can continue to snuggle into their gorgeous fur!

I don't eat anything with artificial anything since I had a really severe reaction to additive 631 and ended up in hospital.

Yesterday they treated me for pollens and amines - so fingers crossed. I've made another appointment - heck, I might even camp on their steps.

Oops, I might get back to this post later - my allergies are grumping at me - so I'd best get back to my cocoon.

Never eat more than you can lift......

I made a really yummy mini meal today - totally bad for me sal-wise - but my face is a mass of hives and lovely itchiness anyway, so what the heck!

What to call it - umm.... penne pasta with mushrooms, spinach, kalamata olives and white wine. That doesn't sound very exotic.

Anyways, recipe....

1/2 cup wholemeal penne pasta or fusili or your choice really
about 3 or 4 mushrooms sliced or chopped - again feel free to choose..
1 tbsp soy oil - again or olive or your favourite oil - I went with soy oil because unlike the rest of the ingredients, its sal-free
a bunch of spinach leaves
4 or 5 kalamata olives sliced
vegie stock
1/4 cup white wine.
small handful of raw cashews.


Cook the pasta in boiling water.

In a heavy based skillet, heat the oil and add the mushrooms and gently saute for a few minutes.
Add remaining ingredients and put the lid on and let it steam through for a few minutes while waiting for pasta to cook.

Toss it all together and enjoy.

Sorry no picture, but I will start taking photos soon.

Caio!!

Love has no boundaries; it is the greatest force on earth...

Well, I'm now recovering from surgery - lost the battle to keep my gallbladder. So now the real journey begins.

I'm going to keep this blog to track my progress with eating well and staying sane and my attempt to avoid what seems to be the inevitable weight gain after the gallbladder is removed. It will also be interesting to see if my multiple allergies start to reduce as my surgeon hopes. He said he can't give a medical reason why this would happen, only that he has had patients in the past that have had at least one of their allergies disappear.

That would be awesome! If I could have a choice, could it please be the salicylates? Please, please?? It would be so nice to tuck into a really yummy crunchy salad with juicy tomatoes, and roasted pinenuts and wow, AVOCADOS, - hmmmmmmm I would love to be able to eat avocados. Anyway, I'm salivating now - so best keep sipping away at my hot lemon drink as I try to reduce the bloating.

I'll learn how to photograph my meals like my other favourite veggie bloggers do....

Caio

As you think, so you become. Think well, you will be well. Think ill, you will be ill. It's all your thoughts.

Much to say, not much time.

I'll be back.................................

Don't deny the diagnosis; try to deny the verdict.

Ok - I'm back. Wow two whole years have passed.

I'm now a vegan, still struggling with earning a dollar and finding time to paint, and look after my health. My b'ful puppy unfortunately was hit by a car.

This will be a very short post as I'm as always pressed for time.

I'll do better next time - promise.

Caio!

He who does good comes to the temple gate; He who loves reaches the shrine

Lost June... Not sure what happened....

Let me think.. ahhh I remember now. I worked and worked and worked.!! Got screwed over by company, told them to stick it, they tried harder, told them once again to stick it, and then we eventually reached a compromise. They agreed to pay me what I wanted and to let me go when I want to. I'm not sure I made the right decision, I think I should have just left and moved on.

So, I start again next week, and I have to complete all my outstanding assignments by the end of this month. I've just returned from a rather wonderful break bushwalking and visiting wineries. Absolutely wonderful. I wish we'd stayed for longer. I was just starting to relax.

I'm considering starting my own consultancy. The more I'm dreading returning to work on Monday, the more convinced I am that its the right thing to do. I need to investigate all the pitfalls though. I imagine there will be many.

I should be doing my assignments now, or doing a few chores, all not really attractive. Hmmm, still missing the energy and spark of life right now. Maybe just a normal reaction when one returns from holidays.

Well, I should at least look at some sort of study plan for the rest of the month, or I will be peaking!!

Caio!

Soothes the Soul....

Had a great session yesterday with my psych. Awesome! It was a very productive session, because through my studies I knew a lot of the stuff she was saying, so we didn't have to waste time clarifying or explaining stuff.

I'm a rescuer - comes from being a middle child, which I know cos I'm studying Adlerian at the moment and birth order. Middle children need to be the peacekeepers and take care of the younger siblings and the older ones. So, whenever I get upset over losing Mum, I keep it all in, because I'm too aware of how the other person is reacting, so I withdraw to protect them. I need to understand that people are more than capable of looking after themselves, and they don't always want or need me to look after them. Case in point, I ring work for time off, and spend a good 20 minutes helping my boss with a difficult decision he was having, instead of talking about why I needed time off. He's my boss, he needs to understand. So I managed to deflect his concern for me, so that I could help him and rescue him. I even did it with my therapist, when she asked me what I was studying, I quickly had to put her at ease so that she wouldn't feel threatened. I'm straight into protecting and rescuing. She didn't need me to do that, I was there for help not her.

I'm the same with my partner. I really need him right now, but I'm protecting him, because he is having so many problems with his mother and doesn't need anything else to add to his very full plate. But as she said, that way his mother is getting put before me, which is something that has always happened. Then we got onto my anger and resentment towards her and him. I am always trying to understand her behaviour, and feel really guilty for disliking her so much. But basically she is a manipulative evil obsessive person, and its okay for me to be really angry at her. And its very okay to have removed her from my life. She is a "toxic relationship" - another psychobabble term, sorry. I also feel guilty and a little angry that my partner always ends up putting her first, and that's okay for me to feel that too. We talked about his fear of intimacy, and she explained it that if I snuggle up to him, he withdraws, its because he feels he has to pay somehow, because everything in his childhood cost him something. His mother is also controlling his relationship with his father. Even though they divorced about 30 odd years ago, she still phones him and tells my partner to phone his father, and then phones his father to see what they talked about. She is controlling everything. And I'm angry because she has been controlling our whole lives. And I'm really really angry that she is alive and my beautiful incredible mother is not. We talked about how is it fair that mum died and she lives--like, "What was HE thinking!!??"

So I've deferred uni until next year. I now have the rest of the year to finish my assignments, and my partner and I are going to find some time so go away for a little break, to remove us from seeing "the bitch's house" everyday, and help us get some clarity on all the emotions we are feeling at the moment. She said many couples split at a time like this, and we need to really have time together away from the manipulative cow, and focus on our relationship. She said that my partner needs to consider counselling, because he has a right to a life on his terms and the evil one needs to remove herself from it. We do not need to have contact with her every single day, and we do not need to tell her everything that we do. She does not need to know!

My partner needs to decide what's important - our relationship or his relationship with her. And is his life more important to him!

Place your left hand over your navel...

Bad day today. Got up early, did about 5 minutes workout, and then couldn't be bothered. Went into town to see Dad. He was having a bad day too. He is so sad. Its just killing me...

Its very hard.

Bugger....

Nuvver day

Not much to say today. My jaw and teeth ache from clenching all the time. Need to relax. Should be able to do that if I ever get these assignments finished.

Foolish dreams - this study caper. Should learn one's limits.

If you don't know where you're going, it is easy not to know when you've arrived.

Spent the day with Dad yesterday. He is still really struggling. Life is pretty damn cruel sometimes.

I expect my brother will call me soon looking for the money for the funeral. Bugger. We don't have it, and we're not going to have it until I can get back to work. And I'm certainly not ready yet. I'm only just starting to feel a little human this week.

I'm having a hell of time with trying to focus on my assignments. I'll have another go this afternoon. Its still so difficult to focus. It was so much easier before Mum died.

I received my other degree in the mail yesterday. Part of me wishes I had gone with the whole graduation ceremony. It was such an anticlimax just opening an envelope. All that hard work. And now I have the other one to finish - I wonder if it is all worth it.

************************************************************************
Just gonna have a little vent.. I was reading through some of the comments that the lecturer made on my assignment, and try as I might to be objective and look at it from her point of view, I have really taken offence at everything she has said. I am actually quite appalled that she is teaching! And at a university level! How on earth does she get away with it?

I read how as a teacher you should:

reduce the inherent threat and negative reactions associated with evaluation
keep comments as impersonal as possible and focus on behaviour
offer support and optimism wherever possible.

okay - so all that is missing! So I think I now know why I have been struggling. Because I was going fine before I received that last assignment back. So what to do. I need to get my confidence back.

Blessings...so many...

I am soo lucky. I have the most amazing family that I absolutely adore. And so many gorgeous friends. I had a friend call me today and she was so wonderful. She said she had been thinking about me every day and wanted to do something, but didn't know what. She didn't just want to rock up with a casserole or something. So she said she'd just call to see if I was okay and to tell me to just ask her if I wanted anything, a coffee or go to a movie, or whatever. While I was on the phone to her all teary, my neighbour came over and gave me huge hugs, and stayed and made me a cup of tea. It was so lovely. I have another friend in different state and she calls me often just to tell me why she loves having me as a friend. And last night I was on the phone to yet another friend for two hours just chatting about life in general, and the previous night it was a different friend again. I am so blessed to have so many good friends.

Something I read once -- "If you want a friend, be a friend." Its something I've always tried to live by.. There are so many incredible people out there waiting to meet you...

Mum had lots of great friends. I must call them to see how they are.. Mum will be worried about them.

Debrief...

Okay, was brave and finally went to see a grief counsellor.. I was getting sick of myself, and I needed to get on with living. This'll be a quick post cos I'm over it...

Okay her points:

• don't hold back on the crying - just let it all out (tough one - been holding back on tears for a billion years!!! Not cool to cry!)
• Go for long walks with my dog - (cool with that one - love my puppy!!)
• get a photo of mum and look at it and reflect on my life with her - (ow, that's gonna hurt.)
• take time off work, as much as I can - (partner seriously not happy about that one - don't work, don't get paid.... bugger.. gonna cause a bit of conflict, that one.)
• only spend 20 minutes at a time on my study.. no more. -- (cool, can't spend anymore than that anyway, can't focus..)
• forget about what I'm eating -- (worry about that later -- wow, that seriously lifted a weight off my shoulders.. feeling lighter already!)
  
• talk to friends that have lost their mothers, cos losing a mother is different to other losses --(yep, have been doing that anyway, have two friends that lost their mothers in the last year or two).

okay - my feelings:

Partner not happy. He is worried about finances. So he was not too receptive when I told him I was taking time off work. I told him I didn't expect him to understand, and he agreed that he did not understand. Oh well, I've decided that unfortunately that is now his issue. We can work out how to pay the bills together if he wants, but I'm not going to be manipulated into returning to work too early. Been there, done that! Existentialism - born alone, die alone... or to quote someone else, "I died, and someone else's life flashed before my eyes!"

He is off on his week away by himself. Maybe he is missing me? maybe,maybe not..

Guard your inner spirit more than any treasure, for it is the source of life.

I'm boring myself......



I might go and have a sleep........

Thoughts are killers.....

Having seriously bad thoughts at the moment.. very confused. so I thought best write them down. That's what this is all about isn't it?

Last night I mentioned to my partner that I thought I was psychologically distressed, and I wanted to seek some counselling. Well, instead of the support that you'd expect from your life partner, I got "the look". That look that I have been subjected to for our entire relationship. The look that I have his evil mother to thank for. The look that makes you feel less of a person.

So, the thoughts - I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. I'm finding it hard to function normally, and I'm getting the 'snap out of it--this does not help me--you self indulgent cow' look. Helpful? Methinks not.

The workshops that I have been doing through my study have exposed a lot of emotions that have been suppressed for many many years. My fellow students have shown me more geniune care than I have ever experienced in such a long time. During the workshops I felt cared for and felt safe. They knew Mum had just died and they were mindful not to place me in any uncomfortable situations. When I was at work, the opposite happened. They wanted me to look after them, and to function better than I had before Mum passed away. They have not given my feelings one single thought. They truly do not give a toss. So at work I felt vulnerable and exposed.

At home my partner is only concerned about our financial difficulties. He only wants to make sure his own needs are met. His concern over the money is what he can't have. So I feel manipulated into applying for a well paid job that I know, and have made known to him, I will hate. It is the reason why I wanted to study, so that I could change disciplines. Like I really need a high stress crap job right now.

My bad thoughts.. Mum was really sad before she died, she was diagnosed with depression, but I wonder if it was just sadness. I was too busy studying and working to see her enough. Did she feel let down? Did she feel that when she needed us that we just let her down?... too busy.. too whatever. She did so much for us, always putting us before her own needs, and when she needed us, we didn't deliver. Was that why she was sad? They say when you are about to die, you realise how alone you are, even if you are surrounded by people. Maybe she was looking back on her life and realising how many sacrifices she had made, and how when it came down to it, was it worth it?

Now to me, my partner knows he has problems with intimacy and showing feelings, things we blame on his very poor upbringing. But does understanding the behaviour excuse it? We understand why his mother is narcissistic, and yet we do not excuse her behaviour. Now that I have had this huge emotional upheaval in my life, the lack of intimacy in my relationship and his selfishness now screams like a huge beacon. Case in point, this coming week, he is being sent to a seaside town for a training course for the whole week. Accommodation etc paid for by the company. You would think that he would take his emotionally fragile partner away with him as an opportunity for her to have a break, but no. He stated that he wanted to be alone, he needed time away from me. Ouch! Yet I'm expected to understand, because I always understand.....

So do I take my well paid crap job and move on? I love this guy to bits, but I'm starting to wonder. What would it be like to be with someone that actually cared? That made you feel safe and actually worth the effort. I don't know. My training and studies tell me that there are two sides to every story, so what is his? How does he feel? He tells me he doesn't feel anything.....

*******************************************************

I'm better now. Still thinking lots, but not so much about leaving. I just miss my Mum... I can't believe she isn't here, and today being Mother's Day was tough.

I just miss her.